Weltschmerz
by QueensDoItBetter
Summary: Weltschmerz - The melancholy feeling when you realize that life will never be what you'd like it to be Jackson was left hopeless and unsure after Samuel's death and April's deployment. Meredith was crushed and lost after Derek's death. And the only person they could turn to was each other. After so much heartbreak, are they able to find love again? Jackson/Meredith slowburn
1. Prologue: Arcane

Prologue: 

_Arcane:_

understood by few; mysterious or secret

* * *

 **A/N: Well here is my second fanfiction. I like to take the Grey's characters that we know and love and put them in new perspectives. So for this one, I am going way out there and pairing Jackson and Meredith together. I think they have a lot in common surprisingly and would be an interesting match. Anyways, this chapter is more like a prologue starting back in Season 11 Episode 10. I changed some of the dialogue around but the plot begins in the same way. Eventually it will start to diverge away from what was shown in Season 12/13 and go into my own world. Let me know what you think! Review and enjoy :)**

 **(Disclosure: Ideas have been pulled from Grey's Anatomy, and I know that I don't own that)**

She didn't understand it. All her life she had been alone, and now that she was there again, it felt uncomfortable and unnerving. Even with Zola sprawled out in her bed, breathing gently in their sleep and occasionally mumbling and kicking, and Bailey in the crib next to her, Meredith felt alone. She had told Derek to go but in this moment, all she wanted was him to be there with her. She wanted to feel his arms wrapped around her, his lips gently kissing her neck in the early morning light. Instead she was alone.

The early morning peace was broken abruptly by the incessant beeping of the alarm, urging Meredith to get up and ready for another long monotonous day at work. It used to be exciting. Being a surgeon used to give her a rush, a joy, a high that nothing else could replicate. Until she met Derek. He had become her new drug. Their love added to the happiness she found at the hospital. Of course she had bad days, days with patients dying or refusing a surgery, days where she was so tired she fell asleep in her car before even starting it. But the good days overrode those always. And yet, her days now were filled with routine cholecystectomies and appendectomies. Nothing big or exciting.

Maybe that was contributing to her loneliness.

And the fact she had no one left to compete with. Even in their different specialties, Cristina and Meredith found ways to compete. Like who could complete their routine surgeries the fastest, or who could get the bigger tumor, or the craziest condition ever. Maggie wouldn't do that with Meredith, she was too chipper and content to compete. And she didn't have the edge like Cristina did. So Meredith stopped searching for impossible or wild cases. She settled for routine and mundane. She needed something good.

"Mommy, get up" Zola yelled, poking at Meredith's back. "I'm hungry!"

"Okay, Zo-zo, I'm getting there" Meredith sat up and smiled at the still sleeping Bailey. He was a beautiful mix of Meredith and Derek, her green eyes and cheeks and his nose and smile. Bailey would grow up to be McDreamy junior. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Daddy's pancakes" Zola cried, jumping up on the bed.

"I can try, but you know my cooking is not nearly as good as daddy's" Meredith smiled, stretching as she stood up.

"When will daddy be back?" Zola asked, concern filling her little face. Meredith's smile faltered for a second before she answered.

"Soon. Remember the president asked him to do a big and important job? That's where he is now" Meredith offered her daughter a hand.

"That sounds boring," Zola commented as she took Meredith's hand and jumped off the bed.

"Yes, I suppose it does," Meredith laughed. "Come on, let's get you dressed and then some pancakes."

* * *

Meredith had just dropped her kids off at daycare and was looking over her schedule as she made her way through the halls. One bowel resection that evening and then the tumor. It was a fairly large tumor surrounding the liver and hepatic vessels but it would be simple to remove and a long surgery. Meredith knew that Wilson was going to scrub in with her but she needed someone else to talk too during that time. It was too long to be alone in a room without decent conversation. Spotting Alex by the elevator she ran to catch up with him. "Alex," she said as she neared him. He turned with a small smile. "Do you want to scrub in on this sarcoma?"

"Is this a ped's case?" Alex asked.

"No…"

"Then why do you want me to scrub in?" Alex cut her off.

"I want some company. It will be a longer surgery," Meredith explained, raising an eyebrow.

"You have Wilson," Alex grinned. "And she is great company."

"But I want a grown up to talk to, not her" Meredith complained. The elevator doors dinged before opening.

"Sorry, Mer, but no," he said as he stepped into the elevator. Meredith sighed before seeing her next victim.

"Dr. Bailey, would you like to scrub in with me today? I have a sarcoma," Meredith smiled.

"I don't know, Grey. You have a resident" Bailey said, not impressed with Meredith's charm.

"But it's a big sarcoma. In the hepatic vein and it will be bloody and gross," Meredith tried to sell her surgery, pushing the chart into Bailey's hands. Looking it over, Bailey nodded and then smiled.

"Page me when it's time," Bailey said as she handed the chart back and began to walk away. Meredith felt instantly more happy. Now she would have someone to talk to while they resected the tumor. Maybe today would be a good day after all.

That good day feeling was lost in the middle of surgery. They could no longer see clearly where the tumor was and where it wasn't. It was like it had moved since the last scans. "What is going on? I can't see anything," Wilson asked as she continued the suction.

"It's like it changed shape," Bailey thought out loud, gesturing for the screens to be brought closer. "Are these old scans?"

"No, they were taken two weeks ago," Wilson answered.  
"It has definitely grown since then. Look, it's in the diaphragm and oh no. Everyone get your hands out of here and someone page cardio 9-1-1" Meredith ordered. "We can't continue. It is all the way up to the heart."

* * *

Later that night Meredith sat alone in her lab, watching her 3-D printer work. They had decided to print the entire tumor so that they could really get a good look at it. Bailey and Maggie had left to go get some food and possibly a nap. So it was all Meredith now. The door swung open behind her, someone storming in. "Oh, Meredith" a shocked voice came from over her shoulder. "I didn't think anyone would be here at this time of the night. I'm sorry." Meredith turned around on her stool to take in the distraught looking Jackson. "I'll just go."

"No, wait" Meredith called. "You obviously need to get away from someone so you can stay here." Jackson paused in the door, before turning back to Meredith.

"Thank you," he whispered moving to the stool next to Meredith. He put his head in his hands as he leaned on the table.

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked, observing the very upset man before her.

* * *

 _Earlier in the day:_

"April, please" Jackson pleaded. She hadn't listened to him since the ultrasound. All he wanted was to form a plan for their child. He knew that Osteogenesis Imperfecta could be a death sentence, but it could also be a good life that just had a few extra challenges to it. In order for him to try to accept this condition, he needed a plan. He had always been that way. Whenever he was unsure, he made a preliminary plan. After he had the first few steps in his head, he was okay. But before then the unknowing would eat him alive. It's how he passed medical school and started his internship. It's why he chose to be a surgeon in the first place. There were always plans put in place. First you prep the patient, then you make the initial incision. It always went that way, there was no other way for it to begin.

Now all he wanted was a plan, a step one for his child. It's how he dealt with this, it's how he coped with everything. "I just want to talk about it" he followed her out of the exam room.

"You want to talk about termination," April turned sharply to face him, tears filling her eyes.

"No," Jackson tried to explain. "I want to talk to you. About what you want, about our options."

"And I don't" April exclaimed. "I want to have a baby and now I want to go home and see my mom."

"Your mom?" Jackson was surprised. April usually dreaded when his mother came around unannounced and now she just did the same thing to him. "Your mom is here?"

"Yes, she came out when I told her about the test. She wants to be here," April explained, reaching out to place her hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged her hand away.  
"If I had called my mom, you would be furious. Why is this any different?" Jackson's voice rose.

"Because she's my mom. She doesn't meddle," April's voice hardened. That was fight that Jackson didn't want to get into now. Their mothers weren't the problem at hand.

"April, can we just talk right now about our baby?" Jackson lowered his voice, knowing that when he got angry, she got angry and that was not what was needed right now.

"No. My baby. My body. We will talk about this after the test because my baby is going to be fine," April snapped, turning on heel and leaving the small waiting room. Defeated, Jackson went on with his day with the unknown eating up his insides.

* * *

He hadn't seen April all day and now he was outside his front door, hoping to talk to her reasonably now. He stared at the door, knowing she was on the other side. No doubt she was in the kitchen, preparing dinner for him. While April was an amazing and brilliant surgeon, Jackson knew that she took pride in being a housewife in the evening. She loved coming home and heading into the kitchen to prepare something for him, even though he had never asked her to. Sometimes they would even cook together, laughing as they worked like a well oiled machine, handing each other utensils like they would in an O.R..

And it broke Jackson's heart that now April would probably not be able to cook dinner for a family, for their buddha baby. It was one her biggest dreams to have a family. And now they faced such a devastating setback in their future.

Slowly Jackson worked up the composure to open the door. "April," he called as he crossed the threshold. "I'm home."

"Oh Jackson," April's mother called from the dining room table. "How good it is to see you. I am here for the both of you."

"April," Jackson walked over to the kitchen where April was busy cutting and prepping for dinner. "Can we talk please?"

"No, she doesn't want to," her mother answered for her. "We are going to talk to God tomorrow. Perhaps you would like to come with us to church and talk to God."

"I want to talk to my wife," Jackson exclaimed, his frustration growing.

"She is not terminating the pregnancy. We do not stand for abortions" her mother came over to him.  
"That's not what I am saying!" Jackson raised his voice. He was tired of them putting words in his mouth. He had never said he wanted to terminate the pregnancy, though it might be a reasonable option if that was the case. "I just want to talk to you, April! You haven't let me just talk to you."

"That's because you won't listen to me. Miracles happen, Jackson. My baby is fine and will be until tomorrow!" April finally said. "My baby. My body."

"And I'm the father! You can't just disregard me! I understand that it is your body, and you make the final decision. But I am here, and I am wanting to talk to you. To figure out the choices and the next step. Please, don't disregard me." April looked up at him, tears filling her vision. Shaking her head she ran towards the bedroom, unable to face him.  
"Now look what you did, you made her upset. She needs to stay calm" her mom scolded him as she followed April into the bedroom. Slamming his fist down on the table, Jackson let out a frustrated sigh before grabbing his keys and leaving. The slammed door echoed through the apartment.

* * *

Driving to the hospital, Jackson realized how alone he was. He didn't have anyone that he could go talk to. No one would be on his side. Alex was too caught up with Wilson to care enough about Jackson. Callie and Arizona were battling their own problems, plus Arizona was their doctor and would be on April's side. Owen was most definitely on team April.

Jackson missed Mark. Mark would have had some piece of advice to give him, then offer to buy him a drink while they talked through it some more. Jackson was trying so hard to make a Plastics Posse but it kept falling through. Mark was irreplaceable and in times like this, all Jackson wanted was to see him one last time. To ask him one last thing. To get one last piece of advice.

Now at the hospital, Jackson was unsure of where to go. He didn't feel like picking up a shift and working in the E.R.. The E.R. was April's and being there would be a constant reminder of her. He had to go somewhere that April never was. Then he knew exactly where to go. April hadn't set foot in a research lab unless absolutely necessary so that is where he would go.

A hospital at night was usually very quiet and dark. It could sometimes be alarming how empty it felt at night but tonight, it was peaceful. But that didn't stop the anger he felt from bubbling to the surface. His pace increased as he stormed through the hall. He threw open the door to Meredith's lab not even realizing the light was on. "Oh Meredith" he remarked, startled to see her sitting at the 3-D printer. Why was she here this late at night? "I didn't think anyone would be here at this time of the night. I'm sorry." Jackson felt his mask failing, his emotions rising to surface on his face. "I'll just go."

"No, wait" Meredith called to him. "You obviously need to get away from someone so you can stay here." Jackson paused in the door considering his option, before turning back to Meredith. He could go home or stay here. Staying her sounded like a much better option. It was April free.

"Thank you," he whispered moving to the stool next to Meredith. He put his head in his hands as he leaned on the table.

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked, observing the very upset man before her. Tears clouded his vision as he prepared to tell her what was wrong. He and Meredith had never been very close, their lives always took them away from each other and they weren't what he would consider to be close friends.

"April won't talk to me," Jackson started. "I just need a step one to get me to tomorrow. I just want to talk to her, to let her know how I feel and how she feels. But she won't let me talk to her."

"Would it help to talk to me?" Meredith offered.

"No, you must be busy," Jackson argued.

"I am watching a 3-D printer print. It's like watching paint dry," Meredith laughed. "I have all night." Jackson looked up at her, taking in the concerned smile she had on her face.

"The baby has Osteogenesis imperfecta. The tests come back tomorrow to reveal which type he has" Jackson began to talk through it. "I want to have a plan for whichever type he has, I want to talk to her about it and…"

"What would you say to April if she was here? What are your wishes?" Meredith interrupted him.

"I would say that I love her, and I love our baby. All I want is the best quality of life for him. I don't want his life to be painful. If he is type two then I think inducing labor is the best option. It will be hard but it will ease his pain and ours. We don't have to go through a full pregnancy knowing the death sentence that waits at the end, knowing that his bones are breaking while he is suppose to be in the safest place on earth. If he is any of the other types, then we will do everything possible to make him comfortable.

I just want to know what she wants. We are married, we are his parents. We have to work together to make the best decision for him. We can't just stop talking when things get hard."

That hit hard for Meredith. Jackson was right. When things get hard she couldn't just stop talking to Derek. She needed to communicate with him about what was happening in their lives. She loved him and she shouldn't let him go while they were angry at each other. Pulling out her phone, Meredith went to her music. "Stand up," she ordered Jackson.

"What?" he questioned.

"Stand up," she repeated. Once he was standing she turned on the music. "Now we are going to dance it out. I always dance when it gets hard, so dance it out." She started to dance, feeling that relief she always felt when she danced. It was proven that dancing makes someone feel better and for her it was completely true.

After a minute of watching Meredith dance, Jackson gave in. He started to dance it out with her and she was right. By the end of the song he felt a little bit better, more relaxed and happier. "Here's the plan," Meredith looked right into his eyes. "You are going to go with April tomorrow to the appointment. You are going to hold her hand when Arizona comes in with the test results. You are going to cry, whether it be of relief that it isn't type two or in agony that it is. You are then going to listen to what Arizona has to say. Then you will talk to April. Then you will see where she is at. Okay?"

"Okay," Jackson agreed. Now that he had a plan, everything felt better. Even if it wasn't the plan that he was looking for. "I just feel so alone in this. You know? Like I feel surrounded by all these people but not really with them. Like I am going through the motions of being with people but not actually with them. Does that make any sense?"

"Yes. I feel that way too. With Derek and Cristina gone, everything is just so empty. But there are still people who love me all around me" Meredith smiled. "But, I am here for you, Jackson. I can be your person if you need me to," Meredith opened her arms for a hug. Wrapping his arms around her, Jackson let himself feel okay again. He felt the loneliness start to disappear as he felt her arms wrap around him.

And it was the same with Meredith. She felt like there was another person in her life again. Someone who would gladly dance it out with her. Someone who understood this feeling of being strangely alone.


	2. Chapter 1: Quietus

Chapter 1: Quietus

qui·e·tus

kwīˈēdəs/

 _noun_

death or something that causes death, regarded as a release from life.

* * *

Her world had been turned upside down. She felt like she couldn't breathe as she sat in the grass looking at her and Derek's house. Her children were sleeping peacefully inside after the devastating trip to that hospital. Numbly she tucked in the last pieces of her happiness, hugging Zola and Bailey tightly as she whispered how much she loved them in their ears, holding back the tears she knew she should have. But walking into her bedroom had been too much. There was still too much Derek in the room. One of his shirts was still lying haphazardly on the dresser, a tie sitting next to the bed, his shoes seen from the open closet, their tumor on the wall, the post it note in it's broken frame over their bed. Seeing it all made Meredith feel like she was drowning again. Except this time Derek wasn't there to jump into the frigid waters to save her, to breathe life and love back into her. She was alone as she ran out of her house, their house, his house. Collapsing in the grass, she waited for the tears to come. But they never arrived, just the shortness of breath that often accompanies sobbing. That nauseating feeling of not enough oxygen consuming her enough that she didn't even hear the car pulling up in the driveway, or the footsteps approaching her. Or even the gentle hand resting on her shoulder.

"Meredith?" Jackson's voice questioned, breaking her trance. "What's wrong? What's going on? Where's Derek? Isn't he supposed to be home?"

"He's….He's…" Meredith couldn't bring herself to say it. A tear finally worked its way into her eyes and over her cheek.

"Is he home?" Jackson sat beside her. She shook her head slowly.

"He will never come home," she whispered, the tears coming quicker now. She felt each one fall down her chilled cheeks. "He's gone."

"Gone like he left you?" Jackson said, confused. He knew that they were having problems but he never thought Derek would just leave Meredith and the kids. Meredith shook her head again, pressing her lips together to stifle a sob.

"He's…" she closed her eyes, picturing him as he took his last breath. "He's dead." She reached for Jackson's hand and gripped it tight as she felt the ground fall away once more, an endless void threatening to consume her.

"Oh my god," Jackson whispered, pulling Meredith into a hug as tears clouded his own eyes. She clung to him, unwilling to let him go. She wanted to believe that if she held on tight enough that somehow Derek would come back to her. That is was all a bad dream that she would wake up from and open her eyes to see him sleeping beside her.

Jackson sat outside with Meredith for hours, just holding her. They hadn't said anything, she hadn't even explained how he had died. Instead they sat in a somber silence, letting their tears dry against their cold cheeks. "Meredith," Jackson asked quietly, wondering if she had fallen asleep.

"Yes?" she replied equally as quiet.

"Let's get you inside and to bed. You should go rest," Jackson suggested.

"I can't be in that house. It's his house. He's everywhere in there," Meredith explained, her heart breaking as she thought of him: Derek showing her his land, Meredith building the candle house for him, Derek pouring over the blueprints and building the house, the night they moved in.

"At least let me go get a blanket, we can stay on the porch tonight. It's nice out," Jackson stood up, letting go of Meredith and venturing into the house. Walking down the hall, Jackson checked on Zola and Bailey. They were sleeping soundly in their respective beds, all cuddled up in their blankets. With a smile, Jackson grabbed a few blankets and pillows from the hall closet and as an afterthought he picked up the baby monitor from the kids room so they could hear them if needed. Returning to the porch he saw Meredith staring at the sky, defeated. He carefully spread the blankets and pillows, making a makeshift bed for them. He had decided it would be best to stay with Meredith tonight, to be there for her as much as possible. Walking out to Meredith, he placed an arm around her shoulders.

"The kids are sleeping soundly," he reassured her.

"Am I supposed to tell them that their dad is in heaven now?" Meredith wondered out loud.

"Do you believe in heaven?" Jackson asked her.

"I don't know," Meredith replied.

"Neither do I," Jackson confided in her. He knew April did for sure, but he didn't know for himself. How could anyone know for certain what happened?

"I think there is a sort of afterlife," Meredith explained, remembering when she had drowned. When she talked with those who had died before her in the hospital.

"Then you should tell them that their dad loved them very much and now, wherever he his whether that be in heaven or just in the stars, he will always be in their heart" Jackson told Meredith. Then, surprisingly Meredith started laughing. Curiously, Jackson looked down at her, wondering how on earth she could be laughing at a time like this.

"Do you have any idea how terribly cliche that sounded?" Meredith giggled. Jackson started laughing too as he reconsidered his advice.

"Yes," he agreed as they began walking to the porch, "that was extremely cliche and so unhelpful."

"But it is cliche for a reason, I suppose," Meredith sighed as she sat down on the blanket. She wrapped one around her shoulders as Jackson sat next to her. Resting her head on his shoulder, Meredith contemplated her life. How was she supposed to face this world without her McDreamy? How could she go on? "What am I supposed to do now?"

"What do you mean?" Jackson replied.

"My husband is dead," Meredith said for the first time, a bit surprised that she was actually able to say the words. "Am I supposed to go to work tomorrow just like always? Am I supposed to call someone? What am I supposed to do with my life?"

"Whatever you want and whatever you need," Jackson advised.

"Who am I now?" Meredith mumbled, not really looking for an answer.

"You are Meredith Grey. You are a surgeon, an amazing surgeon at that. You are a mother to two very smart and cute children. Your husband has died. You have people to support you, to help you. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are talented," Jackson listed. "You are whoever you want to be."

"I don't want to be here anymore," Meredith admitted after a few minutes of silence. She couldn't be in a town that revolved around Derek. She couldn't be in house that was his, in a hospital where she fell in love with him, in a place that led her to him. Knowing that it would break some hearts, Meredith still knew that she had to run.

"Where will you go?" Jackson asked quietly, his lips brushing against her hair.

"Somewhere without him. Somewhere that I can walk down the street and not be reminded of him," Meredith stated, still unsure in her own mind where she would got.

"Okay," Jackson agreed.

"That's it? Just an okay?" Meredith lifted her head in surprise and looked into his green-blue eyes. "You are just going to let me go like that?"

"You need to. And I am your person. I won't stop you from grieving in the way you have to," Jackson explained. As much as it would pain him to see her go, he knew it was for the best. Just like April. He knew deep down that April had to run too. She had to accept the death of her son and she had to do that on another continent. Even with the great pain that it caused him, it was for the best. He had Meredith to rely on through it all and now the least he could do was to be there for Meredith to rely on him.

"Thank you," Meredith murmured, tears glistening in her eyes. "Will you tell everyone for me? I don't think I can take seeing their faces… oh my god, Amelia." The realization hit her that only Meredith knew Derek was gone. His sisters and his mom were living their lives thinking he was okay. But he wasn't. He wasn't even here anymore.

"She's in surgery first thing tomorrow, you can call her before you leave and catch her voicemail," Jackson suggested. "And I will take care of everyone else. You just worry about you for now." Meredith nodded, tears streaming down her face again as she lay back among the pillows. She was ready for sleep. Ready to escape from the nightmare her life had become.

Jackson covered her with a blanket before settling beside her. She turned to him, resting her head against his chest.

"Thank you, Jackson," she whispered sleepily. "Thank you for being my person." Her deep breathes and gentle snore alerted Jackson to the fact that she had finally drifted off into a welcomed sleep.

"Thank you, Meredith," he whispered back to her, before falling into the relief of sleep himself.

* * *

The morning sun shone brightly on his face, waking him from the dreamless slumber he was enjoying. His stiff back reminded him of the horror that was last night as he sat up on Meredith's porch. Rubbing his eyes he looked around to see where Meredith had gone, she wasn't beside him anymore. Afraid that she had already left, Jackson hurriedly ran into the house. Relief washed over him as he heard Meredith tell Zola to pull out her suitcase and start packing some clothes. Wandering down the hall, he saw Meredith kneeling in front of Bailey's dresser, pulling outfits out for him before carefully folding them and stuffing them in a little green suitcase. Zola had started pulling dresses from the closet but threw them haphazardly into her blue suitcase. "Let me help you, Zola," Jackson said, alerting Meredith to his presence. He sat beside the suitcase and began folding the clothes that Zola continued to throw at him. "Did you call Amelia?"

"No," Meredith admitted. "She shouldn't hear it over a voicemail. She needs to hear it from you."

"Okay," Jackson breathed, prepping himself for the inevitable hard conversation he would have to hold with everyone. "Can you tell me more about what happened? So I can answer questions?" Meredith looked up at him, her eyes still puffy from all the tears.

"Zo-zo, will you put some of you most favorite toys in this bag please? We are going to take a trip and you should bring them with you" Meredith stood and motioned for Jackson to come with her. Silently she led him down the hall to her bedroom where her clothes were thrown around in disarray. She began folding them, staring intently at the fabrics.

"He had stopped to help people," Meredith's voice was low, grief lying heavily upon it. "There was a car accident on his way to the airport. He stopped to save them. But then he was hit by a truck. He was taken away to Dillard where they tried to treat him but didn't take him to CT in time to see the brain trauma. He was brain dead and I...I stopped life support."

"Oh Meredith," Jackson placed a hand on her shoulder. She stopped folding and turned into his embrace, his arms wrapping around the shaking body of Meredith.

"Mommy?" Zola's voice came from the doorway. "What's wrong?" Meredith stepped away from Jackson, wiping away the tears from her eyes.

"Something very sad happened to us," Meredith explained. "So we are going to take a vacation, to help us understand the sadness."

"Oh...where are we going?" Zola questioned.

"Good question. Where do you want to go?" Meredith smiled as she looked down on her daughter, her daughter that Derek brought to her.

"The beach!" Zola yelled.

"Then we will go to the beach," Meredith grinned. "Now go make sure you packed your swimsuit." Zola jumped up and down with joy as she bounded down the hallway. Jackson could hear her excitedly tell Bailey where they were going.

"How do you do it, Mer? How do you still smile?" Jackson wondered.

"I do it for her," Meredith replied. "She needs to see that every challenge can be overcome."

* * *

When Meredith finished packing the car, she was left with the hardest task of all: saying goodbye to Jackson. After she buckled her kids into their car seat and double checked their luggage, she made her way back to the house. Jackson stood in the kitchen, paper and a pencil in front of him. "What are you doing?" Meredith asked as she approached him.

"Trying to figure out what to say," Jackson explained. Without saying a word, Meredith took the paper. In her scrawling cursive, Meredith wrote out the note. She folded it and handed it back to Jackson.

"Don't read it until you tell everyone," Meredith instructed. "We are leaving now." Jackson pulled her into hug, and kissed the top of her head.

"You will be okay," he whispered as she pulled away from him. Without another word, Meredith left. She got in the car and drove away, happy to not see that house for a long, long time. She didn't know if she would ever come back. But she did know that she would get through this, even if she got dark and twisty again in the process.

Jackson watched her drive away, tears threatening to spill. Pocketing the note from Meredith, he walked through the house. He made sure the lights were off and the windows were shut before he left. He drove home in silence, trying to process the day ahead of him. When he got home, he changed his clothes before turning right around to go back to the hospital. He paused by the door briefly as a picture of him and April caught his eyes. The realization struck him that she should be on her way home today. He would see her again. All he wanted was to hold her in his arms, and never let her go. After seeing Meredith without Derek, Jackson didn't want to ever be without April. And he would be so glad to have her back home, back in a safe place.

* * *

"Avery, have you seen Grey?" Dr. Bailey called to him as he walked through the E.R.. "She hasn't come in yet and we have a surgery together."

"There is an emergency meeting of the staff," Jackson told her.

"What? You can't do that" Bailey tried to tell him.

"I am on the board, I can do what needs to be done," Jackson raised his voice as he walked up out of the E.R..

Minutes later he stood in the conference room. Slowly the doctors he had paged began to arrive, filling in the room. He ignored all of their questions as he stared at the window. He hoped that wherever Meredith was headed, she would be okay. "We are all here now, Avery," Callie brought him back from his wonderings.

"We don't have all day to be here," Arizona chimed in. "There are surgeries to be done." Reaching into his pocket, Jackson pulled out the note from Meredith. Turning around he faced the room full of his colleagues and friends. Only Owen, April, Meredith and Derek were missing. Hopefully, Meredith's absence would be short lived and she would be back soon.

"I have a note here from Meredith Grey. She gave it to me to read to all of you," Jackson began. He cleared his throat as he opened the paper to reveal the beautiful cursive hand of Meredith. He began to read the note:

 _I am sorry that I am unable to be with you, to tell you this is in person. But perhaps you will be forgiving as you realize the contents of this letter. First and foremost, I am safe as are Zola and Bailey. We are together, as we should be in this trying time. Do not worry about us. We will be okay. Do not try to call or find us. We are willingly taking a leave of absence from Seattle, the town that is saturated with the presence of my husband. Last night I was escorted to Dillard Medical Facility, to identify a John Doe. He had suffered multiple injuries from a car accident, which occurred after he graciously saved the lives of others involved in an accident. But the doctors were unable to give him a CT, a CT that would have saved his life. Instead he was brain dead, relying on life support. I could identify him. Everyone in this room could easily. It was always hard to mistake him for anyone else. We all know how Derek Shepherd looked. It is with my greatest apologies that I am not here to tell you how I stopped his life support and held his hand as he took his last breath. We truly have lost a great father, brother, husband, friend and surgeon._

Collective gasps filled the room as everyone realized what had been said. Jackson looked up to find Amelia staring at him, tears filling her bright eyes. "My brother is dead," she stated without emotion. "Well, let's get on with our day." She turned abruptly and left the room without another word.

"He's gone?" Callie asked with a shaky voice. Jackson nodded as Callie began to openly cry. The air in the room became heavy with grief as everyone stood in silence.

"Where is Meredith?" Alex's gravelly voice broke through.

"I don't know," Jackson replied. "She didn't tell me."

* * *

The hospital was strangely quiet all day. The surgeons were all one step behind in all of their usual tasks. Most surgeries had been postponed if possible as everyone was still reeling from the news. Jackson's service was empty. His patients were okay for day without him so he sat in Meredith's research lab. It was empty now, abandoned. When he did venture out of the lab to go grab a chart or something to eat, he observed everyone around him. Alex was angry. He stormed through the halls, slamming charts down on the desk and snapping at everyone around him. Even Wilson was steering clear of him, her sad brown eyes not even looking towards him when she and Edwards would walk aimlessly by. Callie buried herself in fixing every broken bone that she could, drowning her emotions in setting dislocations and making splints. Arizona watched from a distance as Alex stormed around, unsure if she should help or not. Bailey and Webber stood side by side on the catwalk above the hospital. It looked as though no words had passed between them, they just looked out over their hospital.

It was only Amelia who kept working.

She didn't push her surgeries back. She didn't ask for time off. She didn't even seem sad. She was going through the motions of her day like she would everyday. It was like she wasn't even affected.

By that evening most of the attendings had agreed to go out to Joe's and get a drink in Derek's honor. They were all standing in the main entrance when Owen arrived. Callie was first to notice his appearance. "Owen," she called, running towards him to give him a hug. "I'm glad you are home and safe."

"Callie, is everything okay?" Owen asked, as Callie began to sob. "You can't be that happy to see me."

"Derek...Derek" Callie stuttered.

"Derek died and Meredith ran away," Alex finished for her, unapologetic for his blunt explanation.  
"Oh," was all Owen could manage. Then with sudden realization he noticed that Amelia was not among the group of surgeons. "Amelia!" he exclaimed.

"She's still working," Alex explained. Owen started working his way to stairs but not before Jackson reached out to stop him.

"Where is April?" Jackson asked, his voice tight with worry. She wasn't here with him. Maybe she was just at home. Wherever she was, Jackson just wanted to go be with her.

"Didn't she tell you?" Owen looked puzzled.

"Tell me what?"

"She has extended her tour for a few more months," Owen explained to the now upset Jackson. "Here's her new contact information."

"Why did she do this?" Jackson called to Owen as he began to walk away. Owen turned and just shrugged before continuing his quest to go find Amelia. With a sigh Jackson went to the attendings lounge, grabbed his laptop and then turned to Meredith's research lab. It would be quiet there for him to make this call.

Typing in the new Skype information, Jackson began the call to April. After the second ring, her glowing face popped up on his screen. "Jackson," she breathed, a smile gracing her slightly dirty face.  
"April," Jackson took a deep breath, relieved to see her okay and not injured. "Why didn't you come home?" April's smile faltered slightly as he asked the question.

"I had to stay here," she looked down, breaking the eye contact. "They need me here."

"And I need you here…" Jackson said quietly, his heart in pain. She had been gone for so long already and he missed her. He missed his wife. He needed her here to help him move on. Everyday he fought with the loss of his son, and the fact that he could have done absolutely nothing to save him.

"Jackson, don't" April began.

"Don't what?" Jackson asked, anger rising to mask his hurt. "Don't miss my wife when she up and left to go to God knows where?"

"There are people dying here that need my help. People, children, who have never seen compassion or who have never gotten the medical attention they needed. They don't even know security or freedom!" April ranted, passion filling her voice. "How could I not be here?"

"There are people dying here," Jackson whispered, tears filling his eyes. "Derek Shepherd died here. Our child died here." April's face fell. It was a low-blow and Jackson knew it. He was hurting and it was the only way he knew how to convey his pain. But the moment it left his mouth, he did regret saying it. He knew that it was still painful for the both of them. April looked up at him, a tear falling down her cheek. She was about to say something when the video froze. "April?" Jackson called, trying to make it refresh, unfreeze, anything to get her back. Then the video stopped, telling him they were disconnected. He tried earnestly to call her back on both Skype and the phone. But everything was saying that the number he was trying to call was disconnected or unavailable.

And then the worry began to consume him. Maybe someone had attacked her. There could have been a bomb or an invasion.

Or she just didn't want to talk to him. Ever.

"Damn it," Jackson yelled, slamming down the laptop screen. He wished Meredith was there to talk to him. She would tell him that April was still grieving and that she had to run to a surgery or that the service was spotty in whatever location that she was in. Meredith was usually always level headed. And when all her logic failed, she turned to tequila which never failed her. There had been many of nights filled with alcohol as they ranted and cried about the hardships in their lives that suddenly, when compared to a dead husband and son with a missing wife, didn't seem as big anymore.

Walking out of the hospital that night, Jackson was sure of only two things: he missed Meredith and she had only been gone for barely a day, and that his marriage was not as strong as it used to be.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Sorry for the long delay in this update. I will try to be better about it now but life has just gotten a bit busy these past few weeks. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!**


	3. Chapter 2: Nescience

Chapter 2: Nescience

Ne·science

ne-sh(ē-)ən(t)s

noun

lack of knowledge or awareness : ignorance

* * *

 _Los Angeles_

Meredith leaned her head back against the bathroom wall. It was the third time today she had felt sick. And it was the second day this week. With shrug of her shoulders she stood, anxious to get on with her day.  
Since their departure from Seattle, Meredith and the kids traveled down to L.A.. Zola had insisted on going to the beach and that was the first place she could think of. The sunny weather of California was a vastly different atmosphere for Meredith. Despite the grief that was constantly crushing her heart, being away from the grey and rainy Seattle was helping her smile.

Meredith paused at the bathroom door, a wave of nausea rushing over her. Reaching up to her neck, she carefully checked her lymph nodes to see if they were swollen. Finding no signs of inflammation, she considered how the rest of her body felt, which was just nauseous and a little bit more tired than usual. It was weird to Meredith. The last time she had felt this way was when she was pregnant with Bailey.

Instantly she felt the blood rush from her face, her head light as she slid down the door frame. Now sitting on the threshold of the bathroom, Meredith was doing the math on her fingers. She was late but she had not even thought about that. Her grief had been consuming her life for weeks now. Tears filled her eyes at the possibility of carrying a piece of Derek with her, even after he was gone.

"Mama" Bailey's voice came from the bedroom. "Mama!" Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Meredith pulled herself into a standing position. She would deal with this later, but right now she had two children that she promised to take to the beach again today.

* * *

 _Seattle_

The E.R. was hopping with doctors and nurses scurrying between rooms. There had been a car accident that ended with a car in flames. Jackson's patient was barely alive, ninety percent of her body covered in second and third degree burns. With an eye focused on her vitals, he was trying to remove what was left of her clothing from her skin.

"Oh my god" Wilson said as she walked in with the labs. With an annoyed huff, Jackson looked up at her. Sensing his impatience, Wilson handed him the labs. "She is pregnant," she stated as he took the paperwork. He glanced over them and sure enough, according to the blood panel, she was pregnant. That explained her swollen abdomen, which Jackson had previously considered to be swelling or internal bleeding.

"Get Arizona. Now" he ordered, turning to get the ultrasound. He look at her abdomen, trying to figure out where he would cause the least damage. With great care, and patience, he finally got a clear image of a baby. He guessed that she was about 20 weeks along. This already difficult case had just gotten a hell of a lot more difficult.

* * *

 _Los Angeles_

That night Meredith sat in bed, Zola sleeping snugly beside her and Bailey curled up in her lap. They had long since fallen asleep but Meredith was still had their movie on. She absently watched the cartoon characters dance across the screen, her thoughts were focused on the test she had bought earlier. They stopped at the store on the way back to the rental house from the beach. Meredith awkwardly had bought the pregnancy test and some ice cream for the kids. It still was sitting in the plastic bag on the table. Now was her time to take it, undisturbed and alone.

But she was terrified. Terrified of either answer it might give her. She felt like her stomach had fallen to the floor as she thought about this possible baby. This possible last piece of her true love. And the possibility that there was nothing in her hostile uterus. There shouldn't be something there, but it had happened before. Meredith looked at the proof: her beautiful son sleeping soundly on her legs. Knowing that the only way to get past this awful feeling of not knowing was to go take that test, Meredith gently rolled Bailey off her and tucked him into the bed next to his sister. Turning the TV off, Meredith bid them a silent goodnight before she went to get that test.

Sitting in the bathroom, Meredith stared at the ceiling. These minutes while the test processed were some of the longest in her life. She didn't know if she would be happy or sad, to either of the results. Finally her phone buzzed, signaling that it was time. Her breath caught as she reached with a shaky hand for the test. Closing her eyes she brought it to her, trying in earnest to catch her breath. With one final deep breath, she opened her eyes.

* * *

 _Seattle_

"Damn it," Jackson threw his scrub cap on the floor. He had been in surgery for hours, trying to fix some of the burns and prevent permanent damage to his patient. He had been unsuccessful in saving her left leg. Between the break and the severe burn damage, there was no way he could have fixed the leg without increasing her risk of infection. So he had to amputate, a choice he always hated to make.

And to top it all off, Arizona wanted to do surgery on the baby. The trauma had caused a tear in the uterus and possibly broken the delicate and not fully formed bones of the baby. Now Arizona was at least repairing the uterine lining. The mother was too weak to stay under for much longer.

"Jackson, you made the right choice," Arizona said to him as she came out of the scrub room. She looked just as distraught as he was though.

"And the baby?" Jackson asked, the deja vu washing over him. He had just been asking Arizona about his own baby with all his bones breaking. Arizona shook her head.

"It's too early to tell the damages. I could try to set some of them but it's no guarantee," she sighed. "I will check on her tomorrow but for now we should both get some sleep. This will be a long case."

Reluctantly, Jackson made his way to the on-call room he had been calling home for the past two and half weeks. He didn't want to go home, April's presence was still lingering there. And that was almost too much for him to handle alone. With Meredith gone, Jackson didn't have anyone to turn to who really understood him. No one was there to dance it out with him anymore. So he was throwing himself into his work, spending long days with patients and in the lab. He spent his nights in the bunks of an on-call room, trying in vain to get some decent sleep. But his thoughts were always wandering off to Meredith. How was she? Where was she? Was she okay? And the kids? He missed her terribly.

* * *

 _Los Angeles_

"Now, you were the last person I was expecting to see today," the doctor's voice came from the door. Meredith was sitting in the waiting room and she nervously looked up to meet the eyes of the only person she knew she could trust. Standing, she made her way over to Addison. Unexpectedly, Meredith threw her arms around the woman she once hated with all her heart. But now she was the only person who could even remotely understand what it was like to lose Derek. "I am so sorry," Addison whispered, tears forming in her own eyes as she hugged Meredith back. Pulling away from the hug, Meredith could only faintly smile. Words were too hard for her right then. "Let's go get you checked out," Addison led her down the hall to the exam room.

It had been hard for Meredith to call and make this appointment. But after reading the positive test the other night, she knew she needed an ultrasound and Addison was the best doctor in the area. And for once, Meredith felt like she couldn't do this alone. Addison had immediately called her to confirm, arrange for a babysitter and as offer to help her through this in any way possible.

"There, there is your baby," Addison said, tears filling her own eyes as she pointed to the screen. Meredith nodded, staring at the wavy black lines. And that was when the dam burst in Meredith. She began to sob as she saw the outline of the baby. Uncertainty welled up inside her as she sat there shaking on the exam table. What the hell was she going to do? Would she keep this baby? Could she take care of a third child? Could she even decide to terminate? This was all she had left of her husband. "Meredith," Addison hummed, her hand reaching for Meredith's. "Take a deep breath, okay? It will all be okay. I am here for you. I will help you with whatever you choose."

"How...how do...I?" Meredith hiccupped.

"Do you want this baby?" Addison squeezed her hand. Meredith nodded her head. There was no doubt that she wanted this piece of Derek to have in her life forever. Whatever doubts she had were suddenly diminished as Addison moved the ultrasound slightly and picked up the heartbeat of the baby. Meredith couldn't get rid of this life. How could she have even thought that.

"But how?" she whispered, still shaking.

"You told Derek to pick you, to love you. And now you get to pick this baby, and love this baby. You get to make the right choice that Derek should have made then" Addison smiled. Never in a million years would Meredith have guessed that this is where she would be on this day. She never thought Derek would be dead and she was having a baby with Addison, the woman who threatened her happiness, as the person she could rely on with no strings attached. "I always knew you two belonged together. He never looked at me the way he looked at you."

* * *

 _Seattle- a month later_

His patient's name was Allison. She had been driving to meet her fiance for lunch when she got in the car accident. She was happy and active, running marathons and hiking all summer. She was so excited to be a mother.

And now she was still laying in the hospital, missing a leg and a majority of her nerve cells. It was still too early to tell how her recovery would go.  
But it was becoming clear that her baby, a little boy, would face a much more complicated recovery, if recovery was an option. Arizona had tried to repair the breaks in his extremities but the growth had already been stunted. He was smaller that he should be by 24 weeks. And that was just the start of his troubles.

"Allison," Jackson began, looking as the bandaged woman.

"You have bad news," she replied, her voice still hoarse. "I can tell. It's the baby, isn't it?" Arizona nodded from her place next to Jackson.

"Your baby has suffered a terrible trauma. It is a miracle he is still alive. But it development has stopped as of now. His bones aren't forming correctly, they are fragile and where they tried to grow back together are fused together in the wrong way. If he makes it to term, he would need countless surgeries to correct the bone structure if they calcify correctly. And it is too early to know of any organ and brain damage he most likely has suffered," Arizona explained to the young mother.

"He is taking a toll on your health as well. Your body needs to heal itself but a lot of your energy is going to the baby," Jackson added.

"It is time to decide whether you want to carry him to term or to terminate the pregnancy" Arizona said with sympathy, knowing what an impossible decision she had just placed on the young woman in the bed.

And Jackson felt that terrible deja vu again. It felt as though it were Arizona telling that to him and April not that long ago. Jackson watched Allison's face fall as she realized the weight of the decision put in front of her. Her fiance placed his head in his hands as grief filled the room to the brim. "But I love my baby" Allison choked out, her hand reflexively reaching for her stomach, only to be stopped by the intense pain of her burned skin.

"And there is no way to tell about his quality of life?" the fiance asked, looking to Jackson for support.  
"No," Arizona shook her head. "I will leave you to think about this. Let me know if you have anymore questions about anything, okay?" As they were leaving, Jackson turned his head to give Allison another look, his brain still finding the similarities to him and April. Immediately, an image of his son popped into his head and tears threatened to fill his eyes. In an effort to hide his emotions from his coworkers, Jackson hurried up to Meredith's lab. No one was using it now, the 3-D printer was moved to the cardiology lab for more use and it remained empty for Jackson to use as a getaway. As soon as the door shut behind him, he started crying. There was so much in his life that was missing. April, his wife and supposed love of his life, was on another continent and risking her life daily. His son was gone before Jackson had even a chance to get know him, he barely even held Samuel. And Meredith. She had easily become his best friend, something he hadn't had in years. She always found a way to make him feel better, whether it was her brutal honesty, dancing it out or a bottle of tequila.

Jackson had contemplated calling Meredith a couple of times, even thinking about texting her. But before he could press send or complete the call, he always remembered how he found her that night. Meredith was always so strong and put together, even in the middle of terrible that night, Meredith's strong exterior had shattered, leaving a broken woman who was utterly crushed by the death of her husband. And Jackson knew how vulnerable that made her, and how Meredith would hate to be reminded of that. So Jackson would turn off his phone and hoped that wherever Meredith and the kids were, they were happy.

Little did Jackson know, but Meredith would also find herself alone and yearning to hear Jackson's voice. Just as she had become his best friend, he had become hers. After Cristina left, Meredith needed a person and Jackson had surprisingly filled that hole in her life. There were times when Meredith wanted to call him, to tell him everything, to hear him tell her that it would all work out in the end.

* * *

 _Los Angeles_

"So I made your first appointment with Dr. Madison. She is one of the best OB's in Boston and a great friend of mine," Addison turned to Meredith. "I am going to miss seeing you and the kids. But I know you are making the right decision." Meredith smiled and gave Addison a big hug. They had grown close over that past few weeks, spending days at the beach and evenings talking late into the night. Addison was the one who suggested that Meredith start over somewhere, because it is what had helped Addison after she left Seattle. "L.A. was the breath of fresh air that I needed" Addison had explained. And after thinking more about it, Meredith decided to move back to Boston, a town she knew and loved. It could be her breath of fresh air.

"Come Zola," Meredith called. "It's time to go to the airport!" Zola came barreling down the hall of Addison's house. She threw her arms around Addison.

"Bye Addie!" Zola murmured.

"Thank you, Addison," Meredith said. "For everything."

* * *

 _Seattle_

"I know you don't agree with this, Dr. Avery, but I want to put my baby in the NICU when he is born" Alison explained to Jackson and Arizona. "It will give him the best chance at life since I need to have him now." Arizona nodded, ready to start the procedure and the long fight in front of them.

"Alison, the odds of survival are not favorable for the baby. I don't want you to get your hopes up, only to have them crushed," Jackson warned. Then he added quietly: "I know how it feels and I wouldn't wish it on anyone."

"Dr. Avery, I know your situation didn't turn out well but that doesn't mean my situation will be that way. Dr. Robbins is amazing and she even said she is putting together a great team to help," Alison explained. "Whatever happens, happens. At this point, my decision is made. My baby deserves a chance at life and I will do everything I can to help him."

"There are other ways to help him," Jackson began.

"God is giving me this challenge and I have to trust in him" Alison cut him off with a gentle smile. "Whatever happens, happens."

Jackson kept thinking of Alison for the rest of the day. Her voice repeated in his head until it morphed into April's voice. Soon it was April explaining her trust in God and how this was a challenge presented to her by Him. And slowly Jackson began to realize how selfish he had been. They both had known that their differing belief systems would constantly be an obstacle in the relationship, but he had been confident that they would always work through it. Yet, when it came to Samuel, it drove them apart completely. Jackson had been so closed minded during the grieving process that he forgot to think about April. He had said the words that meant that he was thinking of her, but he hadn't really meant it.

Suddenly anxious to hear her voice, and to apologize, Jackson reached for his phone. The static crackled through the phone as connections were being made across the globe. "Hello," a deep voice cut through the static.

"I'm looking to speak with April Kepner," Jackson said.

"I'm afraid that is not possible," the man's voice replied.

"But she's my wife, I want to talk with her!" Jackson demanded.

"Yes, I thought so. She is unavailable right now though. Neither her nor Dr. Riggs are taking phone calls."

"Dr. Riggs?"

"Yes, Nathan Riggs. He is working with her right now," the voice explained. "I am surprised Dr. Kepner hadn't mentioned him. They are very close."

"Oh, I see" Jackson replied.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **I am so so so sorry to keep you all waiting. Life got way too hectic these past months and I haven't been able to write as much as I want to! Hopefully now I can get back in the swing of things and get this story written. I have so many great ideas for this pairing! Thanks for your support and reviews :)**


	4. Chapter 3: Fantod

Fan·tod

ˈfan-ˌtäd

noun

a state or attack of uneasiness or unreasonableness.

* * *

 _Boston:_

It was still shocking to Meredith that she was able to find her old apartment and move into it so quickly. She was quietly thankful for her mother's reputation and strong personality, especially when she called the landlord and asked to see the vacant place. After mentioning her name, the landlord was eager to rent it to Meredith. And Meredith was able to quickly secure a nanny and an interview at the hospital all within a week of moving in. It was turning out to be an easy transition for her and the kids. But, as usual the happy little bubble Meredith was relaxing into, burst.

She was in the kitchen, putting away groceries when Zola came walking into the kitchen with Bailey in tow. "Mama, what's this?" she asked, holding up a picture. Meredith turned to see what she had. It was her last ultrasound picture. She had yet to tell the kids that she was pregnant. Ever since she decided to keep the baby, she was cherishing the thought of one last part of Derek. She kept herself occupied on the lonely nights by imagining which of his traits the baby would have. In her mind's eye, she saw children with his blue eyes and dark hair, his grin and his laugh. She hadn't told anyone about this miracle yet, just Addison and her new doctor.

"Well, that is an ultrasound of a baby," Meredith began.  
"That means it's still in the mommy's tummy, right?" Zola asked.

"Yes," Meredith smiled, impressed by her daughter's knowledge. "And this baby is in my tummy. This is your little brother or sister."

"Another one?" Zola smiled. She had always loved taking care of her dolls and Bailey. Zola was a nurturer for sure. Meredith nodded, smiling at her excited daughter. "Is daddy excited for it? I miss him."

"Well," Meredith began. "Um, remember why we went to the beach and visited with Addie?"

"You said something sad happened to us," Zola replied, her face worried.

"You're right," Meredith said, her eyes filling with tears. "And the sad thing is that daddy isn't coming back to us."

"He's staying with the president?" Zola questioned, tears filling her eyes too.

"No. Daddy was a surgeon like me, remember? And he always helped people. One day, daddy stopped to help people and he got hurt too. Very, very hurt. The doctors he went to weren't able to fix him." Meredith's heart began to break again, just thinking of that night and watching her daughter process the information.

"That's why we went to that strange hospital?" Zola asked, still trying to understand.

"Yes, Zo-Zo," Meredith picked Bailey up and put and grabbed Zola's hand. "I went to say goodbye to daddy."

"I miss him so much," Zola began to cry, which made Meredith cry. It broke her heart to see her daughter so distraught.

"Wherever he is now..." Meredith remembered the conversation she had with Jackson about telling the kids. He told her to remind them of his love and that he would always love them. "Wherever he is now, he still loves you. He loved you from the moment he met you and his love will never, ever stop."

Meredith finished tucking in the kids for the night and sat in her new room, feeling completely alone. She hadn't thought of the night Derek died in awhile. Instead she had been focusing on getting settled into life in Boston and the baby. Feeling the familiar wave of melancholy begin to wash over her, Meredith reached for the phone. She dialed the number of the only person she knew that would be able to reassure her.

"Meredith?" asked the person on the other end of the phone.

"Hi Carolyn," Meredith said quietly. She hadn't been the closest with Derek's mother and she hadn't talked to her since before Derek died. Carolyn had tried to call Meredith multiple times since, and Meredith would reluctantly listen to the voicemails of her mother in law wondering how she and the kids were doing and offering them a place to stay.

"How are you doing?" Carolyn's voice was full of concern.

"Fine" Meredith lied.

"I find that hard to believe. No one is fine right now, least of all you," Carolyn explained. "Things must be pretty bad right now if you are finally calling me." Meredith sighed into the phone, silence filling the static.

"I...I…" Meredith began. "I don't know what to do anymore," Meredith said in a jumble, tears filling her eyes. "How do I do this? How do I look at my children everyday and not think of him? How do I have our baby without Derek by my side? How do I keep explaining to Zola that her daddy isn't coming home to her?"

"Woah, slow down Meredith," Carolyn cut her off. "You're pregnant?"

"Yes, I just found out not too long ago," Meredith admitted.

"Oh Meredith, that's wonderful!" Carolyn exclaimed. "Now listen to me, I am still apart of your family and I always will be. You can always fall back on me and I will help you in whatever way I can."

"How did you do it? After your husband died?" Meredith asked.

"Just like you are. I put one foot in front of the other and kept smiling, for the children. I set my life on hold, and put the kids in focus. I never stopped thinking about him though, or how Derek smiled like him and Amelia had his sense of humor.

"Meredith, there is never a day that goes by when I don't miss him. I still can't sleep on his side of the bed, one of his shirts still hangs in my closet exactly where he left it. And you will always miss Derek, and there will be something that you will do everyday just for him. But you are allowed to move on, to find new happiness in your life."

"Thank you, Carolyn," Meredith murmured.

* * *

 _Seattle_

Jackson stood back, watching in disbelief. Alison's baby, a little boy named Davie, was healing properly in the NICU. After the c-section, Arizona had immediately taken him for the first of many surgeries to begin correcting his growth. Shaking his head, Jackson left the side of the incubator and headed for the E.R., hoping that he could find a case to take his mind off the fact that this baby was alive and his wasn't.

"Are there any cases I could be assigned to?" Jackson asked, approaching Owen. Owen just shook his head. With a sigh, Jackson sat behind the nurse's station.

"Have you heard anything from April lately?" Owen questioned, leaning on the counter. Jackson merely shook his head. Ever since he had called the other day and learned about this Dr. Riggs April had been spending so much time with, Jackson had held off from trying to contact her. "April was so upset when she was here. I wish you could have seen her after a day in the field. She is in her element over there. It's hard to explain but it can bring so much closure to be there, helping others who are risking it all." Jackson simply nodded, not sure he could fully understand that feeling. Afterall, he hadn't been getting the closure that April was apparently getting so how could he understand the feeling of overcoming grief. "I bet it is hard for you two to be separate, especially after what happened."

"Yeah," Jackson sighed. "I guess so."

"Do you miss her?"

"Yes," Jackson affirmed. But it wasn't April he was thinking of. Immediately his brain thought of Meredith. Though he was unwilling to admit it, he was missing Meredith more than he was missing April. "I wish she was here right now."

"Dr. Hunt, I think there is something you need to see" a nurse interrupted their conversation. She reached for the remote, switching on the television behind the desk. She flipped to a news channel where a headline blazed across the screen, instantly creating panic within Jackson and Owen.

"American Field Hospital Attacked" the headline glowed. Jackson watched intently, listening to see if he recognized anything they were saying.

"Jackson," Owen said, his voice tight. "That's the hospital April was working at."

Owen and Jackson had been crowded around the T.V. for the past hour and half. The reporters kept feeding them information about the attack, the fatalities and the missing persons. No names had been released yet but there were still several people missing from the area. Owen was trying to reassure Jackson that the doctors, that April, had extensive trainings designed specifically for incidents like this. "They are probably still securing their patients, and getting them to safety," Owen tried to comfort Jackson. "April is probably ensuring that safety, getting people out and they just haven't accounted for that."

Jackson merely nodded, not even focusing on the reporters anymore. Instead his mind was wandering to places it probably should not go. The uneasy feeling of not knowing where someone was or how they were doing was eating Jackson up. How was she? Was she doing okay under the circumstances? Would he ever see her again? Or be with her again? Jackson wanted to banish those thoughts from his head because they were centered around Meredith and not April. He knew that he should be worried sick about April but instead he was relieved. And it sickened him that he would feel relief at the idea that April could be gone. Of course he would be sad and upset but there was a sense of great relief washing over him, like a weight was being removed from his chest and he could breathe again. It scared him to feel that way about April. The weight that was being removed was being replaced by thoughts of Meredith. Where was she? Is she handling the grief or was she becoming dark and twisty again? He had no way of knowing. But all he did know was that he felt sick to his stomach at his given feelings.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm sorry this chapter was so short. It was necessary to set up these feelings and have these emotional moments but they just happened quickly in this case. Thank you for the reviews and favorites! Happy holidays :)**


	5. Chapter 4: Apricity

Apricity

A-pri-ci-ty

Noun

The warmth of the sun in winter

* * *

 _Boston- Several months later_

Meredith sat back in the rocking chair, admiring her work. She looked around at the nursery she had been slowly putting together over the past few months. Now that her due date was rapidly approaching, Meredith felt more calm knowing that she had everything prepared for. There was a crib, a bassinet for her room, a rocking chair, clothes, diapers and everything else she could need. She had a go bag ready to go by the front door and her kindly neighbor had agreed to watch the kids when it happened. Meredith still didn't know how she would get through the birth without someone by her side but she knew she would somehow. Zola was excited about her little sibling. It was all she could talk about. She toted around a baby doll proclaiming that she was practicing to take care of the new baby, that she was like her mommy. It warmed Meredith's heart to see her little girl so thrilled. Now the kids were soundly sleeping in their rooms, Zola's baby doll tucked into the new crib per her request. And Meredith was exhausted. Her hand absently rubbed her belly as she closed her eyes.

Not long after she had unexpectedly fallen asleep, Meredith woke up to a sudden and sharp pain. "Oh no," she whispered to herself as she recognized the beginning of her labor. Knowing she still had quite some time before she had to go to the hospital, Meredith got up and turned off the nursery lights. She made sure the house was clean and then sunk down onto the couch, placing a pillow behind her lower back. Leaning her head back, Meredith tried to just focus on sleeping knowing that she still had hours until she had to go to the hospital and that sleep would be hard to come by in the next few days.

Her sleep was interrupted by a sharp pain, a pain not normal to labor. It felt like all progress had stopped. Immediately, Meredith knew that something was wrong. She called her neighbor, as she was getting up and double checking she had everything. Anne, her neighbor, had just walked in the door when Meredith's water broke. "Oh my!" Anne exclaimed as Meredith rushed to change into a new pair of pants. She was out the door quickly, pausing only when the pain washed over her. Getting in her car, Meredith was incredibly thankful that the hospital was only a few blocks away. Terrifying thoughts tried to work their way into brain, thoughts about everything that could go wrong, thoughts about being completely alone. But Meredith pushed all those thoughts out of her head, focusing on driving through the pain.

After an uncomfortable drive to the hospital, Meredith slowly walked into the emergency room. Her contractions had started to increase and her pain levels were rising. She slowly breathed through each one, . "Hi," she breathed to the nurse at the front desk. "I need to be admitted. I'm in labor and there is something wrong. I think the baby is breech."

"I'm sure the baby is fine, labor is supposed to be very painful," the nurse condescended. She looked at Meredith with superiority.

"Listen, I am a general surgeon. I know when something is wrong with labor," Meredith snapped. The nurse raised an eyebrow before turning back to the computer.

"Will your husband be here soon?" the nurse asked as she began typing up the admission paperwork.

"I don't have a husband," Meredith said quietly. It was the first time she had ever said those words since Derek. And it unnerved her. The quiet calm she had possessed from the beginning was starting to fall away rapidly as she began to feel really, really alone with each new contraction.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Your boyfriend? Or partner?" the nurse continued her questions.

"Look," Meredith snapped, feeling overwhelmed immediately. "I am doing this all by myself, okay? I am having this baby all by myself. So there is no one to call, no one will be showing up to hold my hand. Just me and this baby." The nurse looked up at Meredith, her eyes filled with sorrow before turning back to the computer.

Meredith was settled into the labor and delivery room. Her doctor was still on her way into the hospital, as she wasn't on call that night. The nurses were very attentive, though they must have known about her lack of support as they wore the sympathetic smile that Meredith herself sometimes wore when she felt sorry for a patient. They often lingered in her room, offering her water or to rub her back. "Mrs. Grey?" a new voice filled the room. Another nurse entered the room, clipboard in hand.

"It's just Ms." Meredith corrected as she breathed through another contraction.

"Ms. Grey," the new nurse smiled, creating two dimples in her older face. "I am Carrie, your labor and delivery nurse. I will be with you throughout your whole stay here. I am going to take a look to see how far you are progressing." Carrie washed her hands and donned sterile gloves. Sitting at the foot of the bed, she began to examine Meredith. "I heard a rumor that you are a surgeon, is that correct?"

"Yes," Meredith responded. "I used to work at Seattle Grace but I am currently taking a leave of absence."

"I see. Are you by chance related to the surgeon Ellis Grey?" Carrie asked. Meredith could only nod as another contraction hit her. Carrie stood up, removing her gloves and washing her hands again. "I worked under her for awhile when I was just beginning. She was a very talented woman."

"She was my mother. She passed a few years ago," Meredith explained, having regained her voice again.

"I am sorry to hear that," Carrie smiled softly, her face kind and maternal. "Now, Meredith, you are a doctor so I won't try to sugarcoat this. You know that this baby is presenting the wrong way, and to me it looks like a complete breech. We need to wait until Dr. Madison gets here but it looks like a c-section will be our best option. I understand that you had one previously and had complications?"

"I was hoping to do a natural birth this go around, if it was possible," Meredith explained. Carrie smiled and nodded before reassuring Meredith that Dr. Madison was on her way and a plan would be made soon.

"Well, Meredith, I think a c-section would be the easiest route," Dr. Madison confirmed. "However, there is a possibility that I could try and turn the baby to allow for an easier delivery. But that would be taking a huge risk to you."

"I want to try," Meredith insisted, terrified at the thought of another c-section. She remembered the panic she felt the last time she had one, the terror that consumed her as she let her life be held in the hands of Dr. Ross.

"Meredith," Carrie intervened, her voice comforting. "I know you are scared. This is a major process to take on by yourself. Now I don't know what your story is. I don't know why you are here alone, or where the father is or your family. And you are extremely brave to be doing this. But now is the time that you should call someone, anyone, to come be here with you. Who should I call?" Tears were forming in Meredith's eyes as another contraction washed over her, taking her breath away. She knew that Carrie was right. She needed someone to be with her even though it was hard for her to admit. All she could think about was Derek, and the calming effect he always had on her. She wanted him with her more than ever.

But there was another person who could help.

"Here," she whispered, handing Carrie her phone. "Call the first contact in there."

* * *

 _Seattle_

Jackson was pacing the lounge. He still hadn't heard anything from April or the army. All of his calls were never returned and there wasn't even a letter or an email that could confirm his suspicions. He had been waiting for his phone to ring since last night but there had been absolutely nothing. There was radio silence. Watching the news didn't help as they were focused more on the logistics of the attack, who was behind it and why, what was being done in retaliation. All that didn't mean much to him. The one question on his mind was if April was alive or dead. He wouldn't allow himself to think of anything else. With a defeated sigh he sunk down on the couch, closing his eyes in hopes of finding some inner peace. Instead all he found was more turmoil as his phone broke through the silence, shattering his attempted zen. He fumbled toward the table where he had last set it, answering it without even looking at the screen. "Hello," he breathed.

"Is this Jackson Avery?" an unfamiliar woman's voice came through.

"Yes," he replied, his nerves making his voice shake slightly.

"My name is Carrie and I am a OB nurse at Massachusetts General Hospital" the woman introduced herself. "My patient, Meredith Grey, has requested that I call you…"

"Meredith!" Jackson interrupted, his heart racing. This was the first time he had heard anything from her since she left.

"Yes, she is in labor and it has become quite complicated. Meredith would benefit greatly if you were able to be here."

"Of course," Jackson said without hesitation. "I will be on the next plane out there."

Jackson then ran home, not even stopping to think. He threw together a small bag of clothes before racing to the airport. Meredith was the only thought on his mind as he watched the city pass through the windows of the taxi. The nurse had said she was in labor which meant a baby. Was it Derek's? Why hadn't she told him? Why would she be doing this alone? Who is watching Zola and Bailey? What kind of complications?

Jackson pushed his way through the crowded airport, buying a one way ticket to Boston, speeding through security. His flight left in ten minutes, he was able to get a last minute ticket on a non-stop flight. Meredith was at the forefront of his mind until he ran into her. He couldn't believe his eyes as he stepped away from her form. "April?" Jackson questioned, taking in the woman before him.

"Jackson," April replied, equally as shocked. "What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here? I thought you were…" Jackson couldn't even finish the sentence.

"I lost almost everything in the attack," April began. "I decided it was time to come home after that, and…"

"You couldn't even bother to call me?" Jackson demanded, anger filling him. But the anger wasn't directed at her, it was mostly at himself for thinking that she was dead.

"I thought I would surprise you," April countered.

"I can't do this now," Jackson said, his voice hard. "Meredith needs me right now and I have to go to her."

"Meredith? Why does she need you?" April argued. "I need you, I am home for you."

"Not now, April," Jackson began to step away from her. "I need to be with Meredith right now." And then Jackson was gone, walking quickly towards his gate leaving April standing confused in the middle of the airport.

* * *

 _Boston_

"Meredith, it isn't working," Dr. Madison said. "We need to do a c-section now. It's time."

"No," Meredith persisted. "I can't. I don't want to." Tears were streaming down her face as she was completely vulnerable, not even bothering to hide her emotions anymore.  
"Jackson is on his way," Carrie assured Meredith, taking her hand. "He didn't even hesitate on the phone. He will be here by the time the operation is done." All Meredith could do was nod. She knew it was useless to fight this, a c-section was the safest thing to do and as a doctor she would have recommended it from the start.

"The nurses will be in to prep you for surgery now," Dr. Madison smiled. "This is the right thing to do, Meredith. You know this."

Soon Meredith was in the familiar sterile cold of an O.R.. It was almost comforting for her to be in an environment that she was so used to. Except she was on the table instead of scrubbing in, which she hated. Carrie sat beside her, holding her hand as the staff filled the room. Dr. Madison was the last doctor to enter. Her bright purple scrub cap stood out against the blue of everyone else. "Alright Meredith, let's have this baby," she proclaimed.

Meredith couldn't feel much during the procedure and kept herself calm by imagining doing it herself. It had been a long time since she had performed a surgery and the thought of surgery always made her more relaxed. Suddenly she began to feel dizzy. The world became dark around the edges as she heard the rapid beeping of the monitors around her and the urgent demands of the doctors. Then all she felt was cold as she fell into a darkness.

* * *

 _In flight to Boston_

Jackson stared out the window, watching the clouds fly past. He wished it would go faster so that he could be there with Meredith right then. His mind flitted back to April. She was alive and well. She was home. And it confused him. Guilt flooded him as he remembered feeling relieved that she could be dead, the weight being lifted off of his shoulders. He should have been devastated at the thought, his heart crushed. But instead he felt free, free to be with Meredith he realized, which was still an absurd thought to him. How could he even think that? Meredith had the love of her life stolen from her and now she was having a baby that Jackson could only assume was a product of that great and powerful love. She probably would never even consider Jackson. And why would he be thinking of that anyways? April was alive. They were still married. There was still a lot of unsaid thoughts between them. Meredith and April. An endless debate that waged war on Jackson's conscious as he slipped into an uneasy sleep.

The moment that the wheels touched down, Jackson was ready to run. He flew through the airport and hailed the first taxi he could. Traffic slowed them down, much to his dismay as the cab crawled it's way to the hospital. Finally he arrived and he ran through the front doors. Thankfully, he had been to MassGen a couple of times before now so he knew his way around fairly well. Running up to Labor and Delivery he stopped at the nurse's station. "Excuse me," he said, slightly out of breath. "I am looking for Meredith Grey."

"She is still in surgery, but her daughter is in the nursery. Let me call someone down from her team," the nurse explained as he reached for a phone. Jackson anxiously paced in front of the desk, worried. A c-section should not take very long. And based on the nurse's expresion, it didn't seem like it was a smooth procedure. Eventually another nurse approached him. This time it was an older woman with a kind smile.

"Dr. Avery," she asked. "We spoke on the phone. I am Carrie, one of Meredith's nurses. I greatly appreciate you coming all this way to be here with her."

"How is she?" Jackson asked impatiently.

"There were a few complications with the surgery. She had heavy bleeding internally that they are taking care of right now. It isn't very serious but she will need more rest than usual after this. Why don't you come see the baby?" Carrie began to walk towards the nursery. Jackson hesitantly followed. He had been avoiding hospital nurseries ever since Samuel was born. He hadn't even held another baby since. "She is a beautiful baby girl," Carrie cooed, picking up a bundle from one of the bassinets. She smiled down on the baby, before offering her to Jackson. Without thinking, he reached out taking her into his arms. He stared down at her perfect face and tears formed in his eyes. She was absolutely perfect. Perfectly beautiful. Perfectly healthy. Stifling a sob, Jackson sat in a nearby rocking chair, thinking of his own son. It was astounding how life could be turned upside down in the blink of an eye. To Jackson, it felt like just yesterday that he was holding his own baby, not knowing how greatly he would be affected by a baby. Babies, Jackson thought, had this incredible ability to change the lives of everyone around them. They brought a whole collection of emotions to those in their life, even though they were unable to process that or even realize their neverending effect of people. And Meredith's daughter was doing that to Jackson now. He never again thought that he could be happy to hold a child, or feel so connected to one as he was now. She was the breath of fresh air that Jackson needed to clear is muddled mind, to remind him of what happiness, pure unadulterated happiness could feel like.

* * *

Meredith's eyes felt heavy, as did the rest of her body. And she ached all over. She carefully opened her eyes to take in her surroundings. The last thing she remembered was the O.R. and the chill of laying on the table. Now though she was in a dim recovery room. The curtains were drawn, and it was blissfully quiet except for the sound of someone breathing. Opening her eyes all the way she glanced around the room to see Jackson, holding a baby to his chest, asleep in the chair beside the bed. Immediately happiness flowed through her. She didn't know she missed him that much until she saw him there beside her. She didn't know how much she had missed the familiar face of someone she knew and loved. Silently she thanked Carrie for making the call to him. And he was holding her baby. The infant looked so tiny all swaddled up on Jackson's chest. "Jackson," Meredith said quietly. It was just enough to break him out of his slumber. He opened his eyes and smiled upon looking at her. "Thank you," she whispered, tears blurring her vision.

"I would do anything for you, Meredith," Jackson whispered back, standing up to hand Meredith her child. "Meet your beautiful daughter." Meredith couldn't hold back the tears as she held her daughter for the first time. A girl. Derek would have been so happy to have another daughter, a little sister for Zola and Bailey.

"Hello little miracle baby," Meredith murmured. Everything felt so perfect right then. While Meredith knew that things were far from optimal, her daughter was a bright, warm light in the midst of the cold, darkness that had been surrounding Meredith for so long.

"Does she have a name?" Jackson asked, looking down on them.

"Yes," Meredith nodded, the name coming to her immediately. "It's Ellis."

"I think it's perfect" Jackson smiled. "She will be just as strong as her grandmother."

"And just as stubborn," Meredith laughed, looking wistfully at her little Ellis. Ellis squirmed as she began to wake up. She opened her eyes to reveal the deepest, purest blue eyes that Meredith had only seen once before. Instantly she broke down, her heart breaking a little.

"Meredith, what's wrong?" Jackson reached for her hand.

"She has his eyes," Meredith sniffed. "She looks just like him." And at that, Jackson stood. He gently scooted Meredith over in the bed before crawling in next to her, pulling her and Ellis to his chest.

"That's what makes her perfect, Mer," Jackson whispered into Meredith's hair.

* * *

 **A/N: This was definitely a more emotional chapter to write. Also, I am not a doctor or a nurse so if I got something wrong about the labor, I apologize. That is not my area of expertise.**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoyed! Happy New Year's to all!**


	6. Chapter 5: Bereft

be·reft

bəˈreft/.

 _adjective_

deprived of or lacking something, especially a nonmaterial asset.

* * *

 _Boston_

Meredith was exhausted. She was finally home after a longer than expected stay at the hospital, which was a relief. But now she faced a life taking care of three children all while still recovering from a c-section. Against her better judgement, Meredith was extremely thankful to have Jackson with her to help. More often than not, he was watching Zola and Bailey; he was taking them to school and getting them breakfast and dinner while Meredith was tending to Ellis. Part of Meredith felt guilty because she felt as though she was taking advantage of Jackson's presence. Another part of Meredith felt whole again, as if she had a piece of her life put back and her family was together once more. Yet, a more vocal part of Meredith also felt like she was letting herself down. She did not want to be so reliant on someone as she was so determined to do this all by herself, alone because she felt as though she did not need anyone, she would not get any one else. Since Derek was gone, it was going to be just her and their kids. Jackson almost felt like an intruder, stepping into a role that was never supposed to be his. It was Derek's role and since he was gone, it was a non-existent role.

But he was a welcomed intruder. One that was extremely helpful and supportive. More than once Meredith's emotions left her in a puddle of helpless tears in which Jackson would carefully take Ellis from Meredith's arms, set her in her bassinet before taking Meredith in his arms to comfort her. While Meredith would relax into the embrace, loving the comfort she was recieving and the human connection she had denied herself of for months, she would also constantly remind herself that he was not Derek. This was not his job. This was not his role. And at those moments, she would push him away, tears filling her eyes again as she murmured something about it not being Derek. "You're not him," she would say as she moved to get Ellis again, breaking away from the solace of Jackson's arms. He would just sigh, before leaving to check on something else. There was an undeniable tension between them but what exactly it was, was still unknown to either of them.

* * *

 _A month later- Boston_

Jackson had been in Boston for longer then he expected. He had made arrangements with Bailey to cover his patients and department once it became apparent that he would be staying for longer. He was trying his best to be there for Meredith, comforting her, helping her and the kids. But he could not get a read on her. Somedays she was just fine, up and about playing with the kids and doing the laundry. But other days she did not change out of her pajamas and the tiniest thing would make her cry. Sometimes when she cried, Jackson could hold her close and she would relax into his arms which made warmth spread to Jackson's cheeks as he held her in his embrace. But othertimes he would hug her and she would fight it, pulling away clearly more upset. It was the times that she would say just under her breath that he was "not him". Anyone who knew Meredith would know that "him" was Derek. It was becoming apparent to Jackson that Meredith was still devastated over his death, unable at times to cope with his absence despite her insistence that she was fine. .

Much to his surprise, witnessing her grief made Jackson miss April. He, afterall, still had a spouse, a partner who was still alive and well, who he was still married to, who he could have a life with. He was not alone like Meredith was. He still had a chance at happiness and love.

So he decided it was time to give it another shot, even though he had been upset the last time he saw April.

* * *

"Meredith," Jackson began, sitting next to her on the couch. She had just put Ellis to sleep for a few hours. "I think it is time for me to go back to Seattle."

"Oh" was all she said, a fleeting look of hurt flashing through her eyes.

"April is back in the states," he offered as a lame excuse. He did not want to leave Meredith but it felt necessary. "I need to clear the air with her."

"I understand," Meredith smiled weakly. "You have stayed with us for much longer than expected. I am sure you are anxious to get back."

"I will be leaving next week, Tuesday to be exact," Jackson explained. "It's time to give me and April another shot." Meredith nodded her head, her lips pressed together tightly like she was holding something in.

"That's...wonderful to hear," she said quietly before standing. "I should check on the kids."

Of course, Meredith thought to herself. Of course he was leaving her to be with his wife. Afterall he still had someone. He was not a poor widower with three children missing a parent. Who would want to stay with someone who was?

The kids were sad to say goodbye, having loved being with him again. Uncle Jackson was their favorite. Even Meredith was sad to see him go, despite her internal insistance not to be. They all waved goodbye to him at the airport, Bailey crying all the way there.

"Mommy?"

"Yes Zola?"

"Why is Uncle J leaving us?" Zola's tiny voice was filled with sadness.

"He has to go back home, April is back in Seattle and he needs to be with her," Meredith explained.

"I miss him," Bailey chimed in, tears in his eyes again. "He made us pancakes."

"We all will miss him," Meredith agreed, trying not to cry hersef. The unexplicable void filling her heart was one she wanted to ignore forever. The kids were quiet of the rest of the ride, the only sounds being their sniffling and hitched breathing.

"Mommy?" Bailey sniffed as they pulled into their parking spot.

"Yes Bailey?"

"You won't leave us, will you?" his voice tiny and concerned.

"Why would you ever think that?" Meredith said, her heart broken.

"Everyone else leaves us," Bailey whispered, tears falling freely.

"First it was Aunt Cristina," Zola sorrowfully added.

"Then it was daddy," Bailey listed. "And now Uncle J."

Meredith glanced in the rearview mirror. She saw her children, tears on their precious cheeks, worry filling their innocent eyes. She watched as Zola reached to take Bailey's hand. Meredith stifled her own tears, her own pain, as she confidently said, "I will never leave you. I promise you that. I will always be here."

She could only hope that is was true.

* * *

 _Seattle_

After resting uneasily on the flight back to Seattle, Jackson finally made it. He was enroute to his apartment, their apartment. He could only hope that April was still there.

The cab pulled up to the apartment and he saw her car parked outside, raising his hopes. He paused before the door. Should he knock? Or go right in? It was his home too but things were not that clearly defined right now. Taking a deep breath, he raised his hand to the door and knocked. After a few seconds he heard footsteps coming to the door. He released the breath he did not know he was holding as the door opened to reveal April. "Hi," he breathed, shockingly happy to see her.

"What are you doing here?" her eyes narrowed.

"I still live here afterall," Jackson pointed out. "Can I come in?" April opened the door wider, gesturing for him to enter. He set his bag by the door before turning to April.

"Why are you here?" she asked, crossing her arms. "I thought you were with Meredith." Jackson did not miss the accusatory note in her voice. Carefully he began to explain how Meredith had another baby and she was doing it alone and needed someone to help her. "That doesn't explain why you are here though."

"She is devastated still," Jackson looked April right in the eyes. "Derek has been gone for months and she is still in pieces. Everyday she misses him. Everyday she cries over his absence."

"And you left her in that state?" April scoffed, her mood changing.

"You know Meredith. She won't let anyone in. She would never in a million years admit to her grief. She barely tolerated me some days," Jackson stated. April sighed, closing her eyes.

"Jackson, you left me in the middle of the airport for her. How am I to believe nothing happened between you two?" she said, her eyes still closed.

"The only thing that happened was the realization that I missed you," Jackson admitted. "I was surprised to see you home, I was upset and shocked. And then, seeing Meredith barely getting by somedays, made me realize that I still had someone. April," he took a step towards her, "I want to give us another shot."

"That's," she shook her head, "that's ridiculous. We think differently, we are both different people and it would never work. You know why it wouldn't."

"April," he reached for her hand, holding it tightly. "I am truly sorry for how inconsiderate it was for me to ignore your beliefs. And how easily I took my stance, without thinking of your feelings. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing but now I see that it is never so clearly defined, it's never going to be a clear cut, black and white situation. And we might not see eye to eye on everything but a marriage should never be thrown away so easily when tomorrow you might be taken out of my life forever." Now it was April's turn to take a step closer. Her eyes had tears in them as she reached up to place her hand on his cheek. He turned into the touch, closing his eyes.

"Okay," she whispered.

"Okay" he agreed, leaning down to gently touch his lips to hers. It had been ages since they had last kissed but tonight, tonight it felt right.

* * *

 _Six months later_

 _Boston_

Meredith paced the living room, her phone in her hand. Should she or shouldn't she? It was impossible to decide for her. It was obvious to her that she was bored. Zola was in elementary school. Bailey was thriving in preschool and now Ellis, a cheery seven month old, was not in need of constant attention. Meredith could do more without the newborn to take the center of her life. But there was nothing to do. Her hands were itching to do surgery. In fact the other day, Bailey found a hole in one of his stuffed animals. Instead of normally sewing it up, Meredith gave the tiger seven perfectly spaced and even stitches, like she would any patient. Her inner surgeon was screaming at her to do something.

And, she thought reluctantly, it was time to go home. Meredith had ran as far as she needed but after seeing Jackson, she realized that her kids need familiarity. They needed to see the town where she had fallen in love, the house and hospital where she fell in love with their father. They needed to see the people they recognized to know that not everyone leaves them.

But that would mean facing a whole slew of people she would rather not face. Dr. Bailey. Alex. Richard. Jackson. Amelia.

Taking a deep breath, she dialed the number on the phone. "Hello," a woman's voice answered.

"I would like to talk with Miranda Bailey," Meredith said. "Tell her it is Meredith Grey." Almost immediately Bailey was on the line.

"Meredith Grey," she stated. "How are you?"  
"I'm fine, so are the kids," Meredith said before jumping to the point. "I am looking for a job and I wanted to know if you had any openings."

"Of course. You can have your old job," Bailey replied. "I always knew you would come back for it."

"Thank you," Meredith breathed, relieved that this was going so well. "I can start in two weeks."

"I look forward to seeing you again," Bailey paused. "I am glad you are coming back to us. We've been worried about you."

* * *

 _Seattle_

This wasn't working. Jackson sat on his couch, staring at the ceiling. April wasn't home. They were rarely home at the same time anymore. And when they were, shallow conversation was all they ever had. They went through the motions of a married couple, making each other breakfast, doing their laundry, sleeping in the same bed. But it was not real. Not like it was before. There was not the level of intimacy or love that was there previously.

They had even tried therapy but it only led to fights which led to feelings being hurt and one person taking the blame just to ease the tension.

Jackson was unhappy.

April was unhappy.

He never felt more sure of anything else.

Hearing her keys jingle, Jackson sat up straighter. "Oh" she said, seeing him still up. "It's late, I wasn't expecting you to be awake."

"April," Jackson began, "this isn't working anymore. This isn't a marriage." He could see in her eyes the relief as he finally said what they both had been thinking for awhile.

"I know," she said, sitting next to him. They sat in silence for a long time, lost in their own thoughts. "This is it," April broke the silence. "This is the end of us, the beautiful whirlwind that was us."

"I always thought you were the one," Jackson admitted. "I always thought we would grow old together. You were my best friend."

"Exactly, I _was_ your best friend. I'm not anymore," April pointed out. Silence took over again as they each retraced in their heads their relationship, both the ups and the downs. "I don't regret it, you know," April said after awhile. "Leaving my wedding for you."

"I don't regret it either," Jackson said with a smile, he took her hand and gave it a slight squeeze. She met his gaze, tears filling her eyes.

That was it. That was the end of their marriage.

* * *

Nothing had changed in the house. Meredith smiled at the memories of her childhood home. From the few happy memories from when she was little to the ones she had as an intern. After she helped get the kids tucked into their room, she began walking throught the house. There was a layer of dust covering everything. Alex had long since moved out, moving in with Jo across town. He still owned it but was more than willing to give it back to Meredith.

Meredith smiled as she walked in the living room. Immediately she thought back to the first time she had slept with Derek. The memory blissfully washed over her:

. . . . .

 _Shit. I overslept and I have a hangover. This is going to make my first day worse. I close my eyes when I hear the breathing of the person next to me. Oh my god, what have I done? Standing I grab the blanket that covers the handsome man next to him. With a groan, I drop a pillow on him, covering up his gorgeous ass. It's just enough to wake him up. His hand reaches up, my bra firmly in his grasp. "This is," he begins._

" _Humiliating on so many levels," I interrupt, snagging my bra from his hands while tip toeing past him and around the couch. "You have to go." He sits up, his hair sticking up in the sexiest way._

" _Why don't you come back down here and we can pick up where we left off," he flashed me a dreamy smile. As much as a part of me wants to, I also know that if I am late to my first day as a surgeon, I am screwed. I may be Ellis Grey's daughter but being late will be the end of my career before it even begins._

" _No seriously. You have to go. I'm late which is what you don't want to be on your first day of work so…" I break off, unsure of what to say next._

" _So, uh, you actually live here," he says, as he begins getting dressed._

" _No," I say. He responds with slightly disapointed oh, which prompts me to change my answer to "yes...kinda." He looks confused. I then explain that it was my mothers and I just moved here from Boston but I stop myself before it goes much farther. "We don't have to do the thing."_

" _We can do anything you want" he grins._

" _No the thing, exchange the details, pretend we care" I explain. He just keeps smiling at me, clearly amused. "Look I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower and when I get back down here, you won't be here so goodbye…" I smile uneasily. I don't even know his name. I look at him blankly._

" _Derek," he offers._

" _Derek, right. Meredith," I respond, shaking his hand which feels odd considering we did much more the night before. Immediately, I feel my cheeks flush as he steps closer, and over the couch, my hand still firmly in his grasp._

" _Nice meeting you," he smiles, his eyes sparkling. I flush again, and I can't help but smile._

" _Goodbye, Derek," I giggle as I run towards the stairs._

 _. . . . ._

Meredith smiled at the memory. That was just the beginning of their great love story. With a deep breath she walked to the kitchen, running her hand on the dusty table. Memories of Izzie baking flood back to her, the countless cakes, muffins and cookies. Sitting at the table eating breakfast with George and Derek and Izzie.

Shutting off the downstairs lights and locking the door, Meredith makes her way upstairs. She passes the rooms that have had so many occupants. She stops by George's room, now where her kids are sleeping, remembering the nights her and Izzie would interrupt his sleep to rant. Then she stopped by the bathroom, remembering lying on the floor with Izzie. Finally she made it to her room, so many memories of Derek, bringing Zola home for the first time, dancing it out with Cristina, drinking with Alex.

The house held so much for Meredith. And despite the longing for the old days, the longing for everyone who had left her especially Derek, and despite the tears streaming down her cheeks, Meredith finally felt okay. She felt almost happy to be home again.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry there were so many time jumps in this chapter. I just needed to get the ball rolling on some things and bring some closure to Jackson and April, while opening up more possibilities for Meredith. Also I love bringing back memories and that will probably begin to happen more now the Meredith is back in Seattle.**

 **Thanks for the reviews and favorites/follows! It's always inspirational to see that people are actually reading my work and enjoying it :)**


	7. Chapter 6: Bellicose

bel·li·cose

ˈbeləˌkōs/

 _adjective_

demonstrating aggression and willingness to fight.

The alarm rang way too early in Meredith's opinion. She rolled over to hit the snooze button, wishing she had gotten more sleep. The night before she had put the kids to bed and then just sat in bed, sleep alluding her.

Against her will she pulled herself out of the comfort of her bed, trying to convince herself that this was the right decision.

Taking a deep breath, Meredith began the walk up to the looming front doors of the hospital. She had no idea what to expect from everyone, who would willingly take her back, who would look at her in sympathy, and she knew that there would be those who would lash out at her. She stepped into the cool air of the hospital, the unique smell washing over her. "Meredith!" a chipper but surprised voice cut through the general hubbub of the main entry way. Meredith turned to see who it belonged to. Suddenly, Jo was at her side throwing her arms around Meredith. "Sorry," she said as she withdrew her hug. "It's just that Alex has been so worried about you, and what happened to you was awful, and I really did miss having you here. It's not the same without you and…"

"Wilson," Meredith raised an eyebrow. "You are rambling."

"Sorry, sorry," Jo's cheeks blushed. "I'm just going to go now. I think everyone is waiting to see you in the attendings lounge," Jo explained as she backed away, clumsily bumping into a nurse. Meredith shook her head in amusement. Some things just never change.

"Dr. Grey!" another voice called out to her as she was waiting for the elevator. She turned to see Dr. Edwards leading a group of interns through the halls. "It's good to see you again. Welcome back."

"Thank you, Edwards," Meredith smiled as she stepped onto the elevator. Thankfully she was alone and it allowed her time to take a deep breath. She hoped that every other interaction would be as simple and enjoyable as the one with Dr. Edwards. But she had a feeling that would not hold true. She knew this hospital and the one thing it was not good at was being calm and controlled.

Meredith took a deep breath as she paused outside the attendings lounge. She could hear the voices of those she knew inside and she braced herself for the onslaught of emotions. Carefully she cracked open the door. "Hi" she greeted everyone. Much to her surprise, Dr. Bailey is the first to throw her arms around Meredith.

"I'm so glad you are back," she said gently. "I missed you." Meredith smiled, trying to keep tears from forming in her eyes. Richard was the next to step up. He offered her a bear hug that kept her in his arms for a long time.

"You are just like your mother," he whispered. "I knew that if you were gone, it was because you wanted to be gone. And I always knew you would come back." At that Meredith began to tear up. Richard was the closest thing she had to a father and it was extremely comforting to her in that moment.

Owen, Callie and Arizona all greeted her with hugs and well wishes, with Arizona already lobbying for a playdate with Sofia. "I'm sure the girls miss each other," Arizona smiled. April came to her with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"It's good to see you, Meredith," she said without much feeling as she walked past Meredith. It was surprising that rainbows and sunshine April wasn't there giving her a hug and baking her sympathy casseroles like Meredith would have expected.

After a brief refresher from Bailey, Meredith was left to get ready for the day. Her locker still had her things in it, her coat with her name embroidered above the pocket, an extra set of navy blue scrubs sitting below that. "Alright, it's time to get this day going. There are surgeries to be done!" Bailey announced the end of the reunion. Everyone filtered out of the room except for Amelia. She sat solemnly on the couch, her arms crossed and her eyes shooting daggers at Meredith while she was getting ready.

"I can feel you staring at me. I'm a mom, I have eyes in the back of my head," Meredith remarked.

"You just up and left," Amelia started, her voice heavy with emotion. "You never asked me. You never said goodbye."

"I didn't say goodbye to anyone," Meredith tried to explain.

"You never gave me the chance to say goodbye," Amelia cut her off. "To you, to my niece and nephew. To my brother." Meredith closed her eyes. She knew that accusation was coming. Slowly she turned around.

"Amelia, I barely got to say goodbye myself…"

"There was time, Meredith. You were my link to him and the you left" Amelia stood up, tears spilling out of her eyes. "Because you were too selfish to think of anyone else. You have always been that way too. Life has always revolved around you and your McDreamy. You've never given any thought to the rest of us." Before Meredith could say anything else, Amelia stormed out, the door slamming behind her.

With a sigh Meredith realized that Alex and Jackson had been missing from the reunion. She was not overly surprised but she had expected maybe another angry tirade from Alex to get her morning started.

Turning back to the lockers, Meredith grabbed her lab coat and put on the familiar white fabric. It was then she saw it. In an extra locker, all the way at the end where they kept extra lab coats and scrubs was his coat. She slowly made her way over to it and ran her fingers over each letter of his name. D-E-R-E-K S-H-E-P-H-E-R-D. Then she reached into his pocket to grab out his ferry boat scrub cap. She brought it up to her nose and inhaled to faint scent of Derek. It was all she had left of him.

Meredith made her way to the O.R. board. She doubted that she would have a surgery today but it was worth a check. And that is where she found Alex. "Hi stranger," she said as she approached him, uncertain to his reaction.

"Mer," he turned with a smile and pulled her into his arms. She thought that maybe he wasn't going to be mad like Amelia but she was quickly proven wrong. He let her out of his embrace but his hands curled around her shoulders, keeping her there in front of him. "What the hell? You just up and left without telling us anything! I was worried sick about you and the kids. I tried to call you almost everyday, and so did everyone else. You couldn't have at least told us where you were going? Or even texted to say you were fine?"

"I didn't know where we were going or where we would end up," Meredith tried to justify. "I needed to be alone, Alex. I didn't know how to…"

"Everyone leaves me. You know that. My family. Izzie. George. Cristina. And then you. I thought that maybe you of all people could stay around, even when stuff got hard," Alex yelled. Meredith was about to answer him but her pager went off, calling her to the E.R..

"I'm sorry, Alex," Meredith whispered as she pulled away from his grasp and heading toward the E.R.

"Dr. Avery?" Edwards questioned. "Are you even listening to me?" Her words brought Jackson back to reality, his thoughts having traveled far away from his conversation with Edwards. He knew that Meredith had come back and that she was starting work again today. He had even known about everyone waiting to see her in the Attendings lounge. But he for some reason felt like he could not see her again in front of everyone else. Like they would know something about them that even Jackson did not know.

"Yes Edwards?' Jackson blinked, reminding himself to focus on her report.

"Mr. Andrews's lymphedema has spread to his left leg now. He is on bed rest with elevation of his legs but it isn't helping. Surgery is going to be the best option," Edwards explained again with a slight roll of her eyes.

"Okay, get him prepped and choose an intern to scrub in," Jackson ordered. "And I want a closed O.R. for this."

"Closed? But it's a very minor surgery and the new interns would…" Edwards was confused.

"Edwards. I said I want it closed, so give me a closed O.R." Jackson snapped. He definitely did not want to see Meredith again while he was in surgery.

When Meredith arrived to the E.R., a trauma was just being unloaded from the ambulance. April was running it and as soon as she set her eyes on Meredith, her face hardened. "I didn't think Bailey would send you," April said flatly as they rolled the gurney into the trauma room.

"She's busy and Dr. Webber is in surgery. I am still a qualified surgeon," Meredith explained as she pulled on gloves. The woman laying on the gurney was unconscious. The paramedic had explained that she had been doing yard work and was on a ladder trimming tree branches when one from above had fallen, hitting her on the head, knocking her unconscious and leading her to fall from the ladder and into the branches she had already cut down. April began cleaning and bandaging her open wounds while Meredith set to work on giving her an ultrasound to look for internal bleeding.  
The door to the trauma flew open as Amelia strode in. "I'm your neuro consult," she announced, glaring at Meredith. Without another word she began her examine. The three doctors worked around each other, not talking except when medically necessary. There was an unbelievable amount of negative tension in the room that was weighing down on Meredith. "I want to get her in for a CT" Amelia stated.

"I suspect bleeding from her right upper quadrant so the CT will help pinpoint that, but then we need to immediately get her into surgery," Meredith added. April nodded and left the room without a word. "Amelia, I…"

"I don't want to hear it," Amelia cut her off. "I have other patients, page me when the CT results are in." And with that she too left Meredith. There was nothing more that Meredith could do except wait for the results. She left the patient in the capable hands of the nurses and then began to walk the halls of the hospital. She realized that she had not seen Jackson all day. He was not in the lounge this morning and her path had not crossed his all morning. So she decided to go on a mission to find him.

As she searched for him, Meredith was often stopped by other nurses and doctors who wanted to offer condolences and welcome her back. She smiled through each one of them though internally she wanted to scream. It was taking all she had to be okay and each person was reminding her constantly of the unwanted absence in her life. It seemed that Meredith had searched everywhere in the hospital but Jackson was nowhere to be found. Eventually Meredith had to give up her search and begin scrubbing in for her surgery.

The CT results had shown no brain trauma but significant bleeding from the liver area. Now Meredith was scrubbing in to fix it. And much to her dismay so was April. Meredith had needed an extra set of hands and April was the only available surgeon to scrub in. As Meredith walked past the O.R. board, Jackson's name stood out to her. She looked at it again, and found it odd that his surgery was closed. He was always showing off and offering opportunities for learning. This was not like him but it certainly explained where he was.

"April, you obviously have something against me so you might as well get it off your chest now," Meredith said as they started the surgery. "We are going to be here for hours."

"I'm fine," April chirped, a fake smile making her eyes squint from behind her mask.

"Seriously April," Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"I'm all good," April nodded, turning her attention to the bleeding vessels in front of her.

Together they worked on the bleed, narrowing them down to hepatic vessels. While they repaired the ruptured veins, Meredith noticed April frequently just looking at Meredith. As they began to work on the last bleed, Meredith could not stand it anymore. "Stop. Stop looking at me like that. I don't know what you're thinking but you should tell me instead of acting like everything's fine. Nothing is fine right now," Meredith finally snapped.

"Jackson is divorcing me," April admitted. "And it's your fault."

"My fault?" Meredith questioned. How was it her fault? She hadn't even been in Seattle.

"As soon as you snapped your fingers, he was immediately running to you. I had just gotten back from months overseas and he didn't give me the time of day. He was so focused on getting to you that he barely said two words to me," April explained. "And he was gone for what felt like forever and never told me where he was, or what he was doing. He never talked to me."

"But he came back to you," Meredith interjected.

"And he was distant the whole time. And then our marriage fell apart. And then he got divorce papers and ended it," April took a deep breath. "It's your fault Meredith. Because he is in love with you. He doesn't care about me and that's obvious. It was always you." April set her instruments down, tears clouding her eyes. "I think you can close from here," she said quietly before retreating to the scrub room.

Meredith stood in shock. Jackson couldn't be in love with her, could he? She shook her head to clear that thought from her head, and flexed her shoulders to refocus her on the surgery. She couldn't afford to let her thoughts run wild right now.

As soon as she finished the surgery, Meredith's thoughts went free. How could Jackson be in love with her? That's impossible. He was her person. You don't fall for your person. He came to be with her because she needed her person. Not a boyfriend or anything like that but her person. And he had never made any advances toward her. It was overwhelming for Meredith to think about another person that way. Her heart was still beating for Derek. She could not in a million years think of loving another person the way she loved Derek. The day had become too much for her, she simply could not face another angry person, another hollow condolence or another jarring accusation. Immediately, Meredith went from the O.R. to a place she knew she could find solace. Or at least just some quiet.

Jackson finished his surgery successfully, though it took longer than expected and had a few more unforeseen complications than he would have liked. He spent the rest of the afternoon locked in his office finishing charts and other paperwork. Now as evening was approaching, Jackson knew he had to find Meredith before the day was over. And he thought he knew exactly where to find her.

Pushing open the door, he saw her sitting with her head on the empty research desk in front of her. "Hi Meredith," he said gently, a soft smile on his lips. She looked up immediately, her eyes meeting his. An equally small smile graced her lips but worry was still stitched across her forehead. "Rough day?" he questioned, moving to sit on the stool next to her.

"You would have no idea how many people know me in this hospital," Meredith let out a small laugh. Jackson smiled again, loving the sound of her laugh.

"Too many I would guess," Jackson offered. Meredith nodded.

"And still to many who are upset with me. Amelia pretty much blames me for Derek's death, Alex can't get over the fact that I left, and then there's April."

"April?" Jackson questioned. Why on earth would April be upset with Meredith.

"She blames me for your divorce," Meredith explained. "She thinks it's because you are in love with me."

"Oh," was all Jackson could muster. He had not heard the words out loud before but somehow, while the idea of that seemed so foreign and strange to him, it also felt right. Just like every time he had ever comforted Meredith.

"That's crazy, right?" Meredith asked. The look in her eye was that of a plea for him to agree with her, like she needed him to tell her it was absurd.

"Yeah, crazy," Jackson agreed, though he was beginning to think that it might be otherwise.

"I need a drink," Meredith stood up suddenly. "Want to go to Joe's with me?" Jackson nodded standing up as well.

And so they went. With each shot of tequila, Meredith was anxious to drown away the heavy heart she had while Jackson was desperately trying to silence the onslaught of feelings his heart was pushing about Meredith. Regardless of what they were trying to hide, it still was incredibly completing to be around each other again.


	8. Chapter 7: Disabuse

dis·a·buse

ˌdisəˈbyo͞oz/

 _verb_

persuade (someone) that an idea or belief is mistaken.

* * *

 _A few weeks later_

It had gotten to the point in which Meredith could not be in the same room as April. Seeing the usually chipper red head made Meredith think more about her accusation. Could Jackson really be in love with her? Whenever it crossed her mind, Meredith was quick to dismiss it. He had come out to Boston because she had a medical emergency. It was complete coincidence that he ran into April at the airport. And everytime she would break down and turn to him for comfort was simply because he was there. He was her person and he was supposed to comfort her. Meredith was confident in the fact that she had nothing to do with their divorce, even though April took every opportunity to try and blame Meredith for it. It was not a healthy work relationship as it had caused multiple fights over patient care that could be seen as putting lives at risk. Eventually Meredith stopped working in the E.R. and avoided the situation whenever possible.

And then there was Alex and Amelia. Alex was still angry with her and vehemently so. He had resorted back to his obstinate and brooding persona that Meredith had first gotten to know as an intern. He was disrespecting his co-workers and having outbursts towards certain patients parents. Even Jo was being ignored; it showed in her big yet sad eyes and her general helpless dramatic attitude. Meredith could tell that Alex was walking a very thin line with Bailey too. She was as frustrated with him as Alex was with Meredith. Amelia on the other hand seemed perfectly fine. She went on about her work like nothing had happened. Every surgery was flawless with no complications, and she was well on her way to having a perfect month. All the residents and interns wanted to be on her service. However, she never talked to Meredith and avoided being in the same general vicinity as her. If Meredith was already on the elevator, Amelia would take the stairs. If Meredith walked into the same bathroom, Amelia would turn on heel and walk out without a glance or a word.

It needed to stop. And soon.

Bailey had announced a huge surgery was coming up that needed teamwork from every department. An eight year old boy had a very large tumor that surrounded his spinal cord but had grown out the intertwine with major abdominal arteries as well as the pancreas and had begun to branch into the intestines. It was risky to try and remove it but the chances of him surviving without the surgery were next to nothing and every other treatment had failed. The cancer was growing too fast for anything to work. Surgery was last and only option they had left, even if it was incredibly risky.

Bailey needed Alex, April, Amelia and Meredith to be in the O.R. together to help operate on the tumor and had point blank told Meredith that if she unable to work it out with her coworkers then she would be off the case. And Meredith desperately needed a big, long and complicated surgery to help clear her mind. She had been stuck doing routine surgeries since she had returned and was bored out of her mind.

She set off to find Alex first. Meredith had Jo watching him and gave her instructions to get him to go downstairs to where they always ate as interns. As Meredith sat on the gurney, she remembered all the days and nights she spent right there with the old gang. Every rant, study session and unexpected nap. Her phone brought her out of her reverie. Looking down at the text from Jo, which informed her that an angry Alex was on his way to her, Meredith anxiously awaited his arrival. She still had no idea what to say to make things right and she hoped that whatever came to her would work. "Oh great it's you," Alex huffed as he turned the corner. "What do you want?"

"To talk," Meredith offered.

"It's too late for that, Mer," Alex growled as he turned away from her. In frustration Meredith stood up.

"Alex Karev. Get your ass over here and sit and listen to me," she ordered, her voice harsher than she expected. It worked much to her enjoyment. Alex glared at her and reluctantly moved to the gurney where he sat with his arms crossed. "For God's sake, Alex. You have been acting like a toddler lately, throwing an angry tantrum because life didn't go your way. Well newsflash, life isn't going my way either. Do you understand that Alex? My husband, the love of my life died. I had to end his life support. I had to make that decision. So yeah, I ran. I had to get out of this town because everywhere I look, I see him. I needed to go someplace where he wasn't. And I'm sorry I left you. I know everyone has left us. George died. Izzie just ran away. Cristina moved to a different country."

"You ran away too," Alex countered.

"But I came back. I returned even though it was, it is incredibly difficult to be in a place so saturated with Derek," Meredith's eyes began to water, her anger starting to subside. "I had to get a grip."

"Everyone leaves me," Alex looked up at her, sadness and vulnerability etched across his face. "Even you."

"You know who won't leave you? Hmm?" Meredith asked but Alex simply shrugged his shoulders. "Jo. Jo will not leave you because she loves you more than anything in this world. You two are meant for each other so grow up and apologize to her. Take her in your arms and never let her go." Alex smiled and stood, pulling Meredith into a hug. They stood like that for a long time, forgiveness and understanding flowing over them. "If it makes you feel better," Meredith said after a while. "You can be Ellis's godparent." Alex laughed.

"Of course I will, Mer," Alex replied.

Meredith immediately felt better after fixing things with Alex. Even the hospital's atmosphere felt lighter. Next up though was April. And Meredith imagined that this conversation might not go as easy as Alex's did. Meredith made her way to the E.R. where she asked the nurses to page April to trauma room one where Meredith was waiting.  
April threw open the door, in full trauma surgeon mode. She was ready to triage and treat the patient. She was completely shocked when she saw just Meredith in the room. "Where is the trauma?" April asked.

"I am the trauma," Meredith replied. "Just like the patients we see, my life went from normal to chaos in seconds, everything flipped upside down, my life as I knew it was shattered. Just like the patients we see, the outlook didn't always seem good, it looked like a dead end of nothingness and pain. It was excruciatingly painful."

"What is your point, Grey?" April crossed her arms.

"My point is that I needed help. Every patient who comes in here needs someone to help them, to be by their side and get them on their feet even when it all feels hopeless," Meredith continued. "After Derek died, I was that patient. And Jackson was the one who ended up helping me up.

Now I don't think that is what ended your marriage. I think you both knew it was coming to an end and this was a perfect situation to blame it on. April, please understand that I don't feel anything for Jackson. He is my best friend and that's all. And I could tell you weren't happy." April merely nodded in agreement and looked visibly relaxed at Meredith's statement. "Whe things were rough with Derek, I knew that I could live without him. But I never ever wanted to. And now I am and I hate every minute of it. Can you live without Jackson? Does a part of you want to live without him?" April took a minute to consider this before replying.

"I have lived without him. And it was okay. I was okay. And...and it gave me a sense of freedom," April admitted.

"Then let him go. You have turned into a serious badass, April. Don't let this take you back to who you were before because you are so much stronger now," Meredith smiled. "Are we good now?"

"Yes," April smiled as well. "Thank you for talking some sense into me."

Meredith was surprised at how well April took the conversation. She was expecting maybe more tears, more pettiness but the true April showed through with maturity and grace. It was refreshing. Now Meredith was convinced that her conversation with Amelia would be the hardest of them all. Her and Amelia had not always gotten along and they were never the closest of friends, let alone sisters. They had always had Derek as a sort of buffer between them, a commonality that they could always resort back to. And Meredith had the idea to recreate that buffer now that Derek was gone.

That night Meredith sat in attendings lounge with her children. They had yet to see anyone else since they returned. Meredith wanted to carefully reintroduce the hospital lifestyle back into their lives. She had hired a nanny to care for the kids while she was working instead of relying on the hospital daycare. Now Meredith was waiting for Amelia to arrive. She knew it would be a lot to spring on her but it was the easiest way to bring the peace.

Not too long after Meredith had arrived in the lounge did Owen and Amelia enter. There was genuine surprise across both of their faces as Zola and Bailey ran over to them for hugs. A smile was etched into Amelia's face as she knelt to embrace them. "Aunt Amelia!" Bailey cried.

"Owen, do you mind taking them to go get some jello?" Meredith suggested after a few minutes. "I need to talk with Amelia." Owen nodded his head before offering his hands to the kids and led them down to the cafeteria.

"It's good to see them again," Amelia said solemnly, her smile fading. "Why did you wait so long to let me see them?"

"I wanted to slowly bring them back into this life," Meredith explained. "And you could have came to see us anytime you liked. Instead you have been avoiding me like the plague and refusing to speak with me."

"You took away my brother," Amelia accused, defending her actions. "It isn't that easy to just talk to you like nothing happened."

"Maybe this will make it easier," Meredith offered, turning to get Ellis out of her carseat. "You are the very first to meet my miracle, Ellis." Meredith stepped toward the awe struck Amelia and held Ellis out to her. With tears in her eyes, Amelia warmly accepted her sleeping niece and cuddled her close. "I named her Ellis after my mother, one of the strongest women I know. I was completely devastated after Derek and knowing about Ellis gave my the strength I needed when I was at my weakest. She helped me get up each morning and get through each day.

"And her middle name? It's Amelia. After the other strongest woman in my life. I never want Ellis Amelia to feel like she can't do something, or be who she wants because of the challenges life throws at her. I want her to always get up and keep going, like you. Like my mother."

"Oh Meredith," Amelia said softly, her voice overcome with emotions. "I'm sorry."

"And I'm sorry," Meredith offered, taking Amelia into her arms.

All was as right as it could be in Meredith's world again. She had set out to make peace and she had succeeded. Now she sat at home, her children sleeping and her heart untroubled. She was glad that Amelia had taken so well to Ellis. It was challenging to get Ellis out of Amelia's arms when it was finally time to leave.

Just as Meredith began to doze off, a knock sounded through the house. Meredith immediately got up and went to the door, surprised to see Jackson when she opened it. "Jackson, what are you doing here?" she asked, ushering him inside. "Is everything okay?"

"No," he fumed, storming in to the living room.

"What's wrong?"

"My mother is here. She wants to stop my divorce. And she is trying everything to stop it," Jackson explained. "She has set up so many appointments for us for counseling and with lawyers and just trying to save something that can't be saved."

"Mothers are a pain in the ass," Meredith agreed, remembering her own mother and the interference she tried to run on Meredith's life. "You're not going to give in though. And neither is April. I talked to her today and she is set on this."

"I know that, you know that but my mother refuses to know that," Jackson sat down in defeat. "She's staying at my place and I can't be around her right now."

"Yes," Meredith already knew where this was heading. "You can stay with me."

"Thank you so much, Mer. I don't know what to do with her," Jackson sighed.

Meredith and Jackson had already gone to bed when another knock sounded through the house, waking Meredith. In confusion, Meredith got up to answer the door only to be more confused at the sight of a very distraught Amelia standing at her door at two in the morning. "Do you have any idea what time it is?" Meredith asked quietly, hoping to avoid waking up her kids.

"I needed a place to go where I wasn't alone," Amelia admitted. "I've made a big mistake." Without further judgement or questions, Meredith gathered blankets and pillows and set them on the couch for Amelia.

"We can talk about this in the morning," Meredith stated as she made her way back upstairs. "Goodnight."

"Thank you," Amelia's voice was still quiet.

Zola and Bailey were pleasantly surprised to have guests at their house in the morning. They were excited to see Jackson again after so long and it became impossible for Bailey to leave his side. Amelia sat quietly with Ellis and watched the hustle and bustle of the morning. She was surprised to see how well Jackson and Meredith worked together, especially with the kids. Earlier in the morning she had heard Zola plead with Meredith to have waffles for breakfast, only to have Meredith say no since they were already running behind schedule. Then she watched Zola run to Jackson and again beg for waffles, only again to have him say no. His reasoning was almost word for word what Meredith had said. It made Amelia suspicious of their relationship. They were a well oiled machine as they moved around the kitchen getting cereal and making lunches, never once bumping into each other or doing a wrong move. That sort of closeness, in Amelia's mind, only came with a strong relationship. Thinking more of it, Amelia knew that Jackson had been there for Meredith when she found out about Derek's death, and when she decided to leave. And Jackson had dropped pretty much everything to be with her when Ellis was born. Not too long after he returned from that trip did he and April begin the divorce process.

Once Jackson had ushered the kids out of the kitchen and up to the bathroom to brush their teeth, Amelia pounced on Meredith. "You guys are sleeping together, aren't you?" she accused. Meredith whipped around in shock.

"What?" Meredith asked, confused as to why Amelia would even suggest such a thing.

"I see the way you two work and act around each other. It makes sense that you would sleep with him. He's handsome, smart and kind. Willing to give up his marriage for you."

"Amelia, I have no idea what you are talking about," Meredith interrupted her. "Jackson and I are friends. Nothing else. Why would you even think that? Derek is still the man I love." And with that Meredith left the room. As she stormed upstairs, Jackson caught her by the arm.

"What's wrong?" he asked pointedly. "And don't tell me it's nothing."

"Fine. Amelia is accusing us of sleeping together," Meredith explained, an edge to her voice. "Can you believe she has the audacity to think that?" Before Jackson could even attempt to voice his thoughts, Meredith pulled away from him and slammed the door shut to her room.

While it did sound slightly crazy, Jackson was surprised to find himself not entirely opposed to the thought. He cared genuinely for Meredith and could always turn to her with anything. It was natural to be attracted to her. She was the closest person in his life, his best friend. Jackson tried for the rest of the day to reassure himself that it was only platonic attraction that he felt towards Meredith. Nothing else.

Meredith on the other hand was angry for most of the day. She yelled more often at residents and interns, ignored those around her, avoided Amelia at all costs and for the most part, sealed herself away in her research lab. As she began to reset her lab up and begin her research again, thoughts of Jackson infiltrated her mind. Meredith was quick to dismiss those thoughts and repeated to herself over and over that Derek was the love of her life. She could not even imagine being with someone other than Derek, she would never betray him like that.

By the end of the day, Meredith's anger diffused into sadness. She missed Derek terribly. He was always there to make things right, to make her feel better and help her through everything, especially fights with Amelia. "Tough day?" Jackson asked as he quietly entered the research lab.

"You have no idea," Meredith gave him a small smile, defeated by the mental war she had raging. Without thinking much more, Meredith stood and moved to embrace Jackson. She rested her head against his chest and relaxed as he put his arms around her.

"I think I do have an idea," Jackson murmured, referring to his own long day of inner conflict. They stood like this for a long while, each of their thoughts swirling around their brains trying to make sense of these feelings. "It's only platonic" Jackson tried to repeat over and over in his mind, stomping out the idea of something more. "I only love Derek," Meredith reassured herself, attempting to deny the new feelings she was having of Jackson. It did not help that they were in each others arms, in the belly of the beast of denial.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **The pace is going to finally start to pick up in this story. I feel like the necessary set up to their romance has been put in place and now it is time for the fun to really begin! Don't worry though, there will still be plenty of emotional rollercoasters and I have an idea for some crazy drama!**

 **Thank you again for reading and for the reviews! I hope you enjoy :)**


	9. Chapter 8: Saudade

Chapter 8:

sau·da·de

/souˈdädə/

 _noun_

a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia

* * *

Meredith's heart practically stopped beating when she heard Zola crying. Running to her room, Meredith found her daughter wrapped in her baby blanket and sobbing. "Zola," Meredith said calmly. "What's going on, sweetie?"

"Why don't I have a dad? Why did he leave me?" Zola cried. "Doesn't he love me?" Meredith's heart then broke into a million pieces. She rushed to her daughter and pulled the girl into her arms.  
"Dad still loves you," Meredith murmured. "He didn't want to leave us, but he was taken from us without warning. If he could be, he would still be here with us. He never wanted to leave you. Ever."

"The kids at school make fun of me because I don't have a dad," Zola whispered, her chest still heaving. "They leave me out of things because of it."

"Then they are stupid," Meredith commented. "They aren't your friends if they can't handle that you are different than them."

"Is it bad that I don't have a dad? Am I different than everyone?"

"It's sad that dad isn't around anymore," Meredith said with tears in her eyes. "I get sad too. And we are all different than one another. No one is exactly the same and I'm glad. Because then I get you, the unique and beautiful you." Zola then wrapped her arms around Meredith's neck and whispered "I love you, mom" into her ear before crawling into bed.

Meredith was on her way downstairs to get Bailey and get him to bed when her heart once again almost stopped. She was almost to the living room where Jackson and Bailey were playing. Jackson must not have been giving Bailey all the attention he wanted because Meredith heard Bailey's little voice call out to him. "Look at me, dad," Bailey had said. There was a moment of silence before he giggled slightly and then corrected himself. "Oops, I mean Uncle J," he laughed. Jackson then laughed a little too.

"Okay, Zola," he joked.

"I'm not Zola," Bailey exclaimed as Meredith entered the room.

"Bailey," Meredith called with a sad smile. He turned to look at her with a slight pout. "It's bedtime now. Say goodnight." Bailey threw his arms around Jackson.

"Goodnight," he said softly. "I love you."

"I love you too, Bailey," Jackson responded.

After Meredith put all the kids to bed, she sat defeated on her bed. The sorrow she had been putting away while she interacted with the kids was now taking over. She was crushed. She always had known her kids would miss Derek but she was not prepared for the events of the night. It was clear to her that her kids needed their dad but she was not in a place where she could provide them with a father figure. And that was a pain Meredith could not even attempt to alleviate. Being back in Seattle was not as easy as she had expected, and she had know going in it would be hard to be back. But the harsh reactions of Alex and especially Amelia hit Meredith hard. Though thing had been smoothed over with Alex, she could still sense resentment from him. Their friendship was not what it had once been. And Amelia. Oh Amelia. While Meredith had bridged a gap by introducing her to Ellis, Amelia was still lashing out frequently at Meredith. Just the other day at work Amelia had yelled at Meredith about Derek in front of all the interns. It was uncalled for and a problem Meredith did not know how to solve anymore. She had hoped for Ellis to smooth things over, to be a saving grace for Amelia as she was for Meredith. Now though, it was clear to Meredith that it would take a lot more for her and Amelia to ever build a friendship again.

"Mer?" Jackson's voice called quietly. Meredith looked up to see him enter her room. She had completely forgotten that he was still here.  
"I'm sorry," Meredith apologized, embarrassed that she forgot him. "Today was a rough day."

"If this is about Bailey calling me dad," Jackson began, sitting next to her on the bed. "Don't worry about. We all call each other by wrong names"

"Why shouldn't I worry about it?" Meredith asked, tears filling her eyes. "He's forgotten Derek. He's replaced him with you."

"No, he hasn't," Jackson wrapped his arm around her. "He must be trying to figure this out, just like the rest of us are."

"I feel like I am failing as a parent," Meredith mumbled, crawling under the covers.

"That is the most normal thing to say," Jackson smiled, moving to sit against the headboard. "I know I felt like that even before my child was born. Before we knew his diagnosis, there were times when I would fight with April or burn dinner or not figure out how to put together furniture. Those are dad things. Dads should be a handyman, take care of mom and cook for the family. And half the time I felt like I couldn't do that."

"That's me on a daily basis," Meredith agreed. "But Derek seemed to be perfect around the kids. I don't know how but he was complete with them around."

"That's how April was. She was perfect and happy in the early stages," Jackson agreed quietly.

"It must be us then," Meredith said after a minute.

* * *

"Well this is unexpected," Amelia's voice rang through the room. The harsh quality plus the early morning sun woke Meredith with a start. She began to stretch and wake up her body but quickly froze her movements when she noticed the arms wrapped around her, the body pressed against her back and the beating of someone else's heart. Jackson. They must have fallen asleep as they talked last night. "I thought we were going to the zoo today with the kids but apparently you have _other_ plans," Amelia slammed the door before stomping back downstairs. Meredith cursed to herself quietly as she pulled away from Jackson's arms.

"Morning," he mumbled, rolling onto his back. "What's wrong?"

"Amelia's so mad at me," Meredith covered her face with her hands.

"Why? It's barely eight o'clock."

"She obviously thinks we slept together!" Meredith exclaimed, panic coursing through her. Her thoughts jumped to what the kids would think about this situation, if they would take this as her replacing Derek, replacing their dad with Jackson. The thought filled her with fear but also a tiny bit excitement.

"Well we did," Jackson laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

"You know what I mean," Meredith smacked him lightly on the chest, before laughing a tiny bit. "I need to make this right with Amelia. Maybe the zoo can help with that."

Jackson's day was quickly taking a downhill turn. When he woke up this morning, he was pleasantly surprised to find Meredith in his arms. It felt comfortable and almost a normal thing to wake up to. But that feeling quickly dissipated when Amelia's anger consumed Meredith's thoughts and took her away. That had been happening a lot recently. Meredith would be having a good day, which was a relief to see for Jackson after seeing her at her lowest, and then Amelia would do anything, a look, a tone in her voice, an accusation, and Meredith would withdraw into herself.

After leaving Meredith's house this morning, Jackson was presented with a challenging scene. He had just walked into the hospital when he noticed Catherine and April laughing together at the coffee cart. He had been noticing more and more that the two were spending a lot of time together. More time than Catherine had spent with Jackson, which he didn't mind but he did not like April and Catherine together. He had told his mother point blank that he was not going to any of the appointments set up for him and April. They were divorcing and that was that. "Jackson," April's voice called to him. She quickly ran to catch up with him. "We have a therapy session tonight. I want you to be there."

"I've already said I am not going to that," he said, an edge in his voice. "I thought you were just as set as I am on this. What has my mother done to you?"

"Your mother?" April exclaimed. "Your mother has been nothing but helpful in all of this. She has helped me rethink some things and you should talk to her. This is all very difficult for her."

"Difficult for her?" Jackson stopped and turned to face April. "She is not getting a divorce, we are getting a divorce. This should be about you and me, not her. She's interfering and I will not play her games."

* * *

"I can't believe we both got paged for this," Amelia grumbled as she and Meredith were scrubbing in. There had been a trauma that required Meredith and Amelia to be put in surgery together. "It was our day off. Why aren't there other surgeons in this hospital?"

"It's because they wanted the best surgeons for this case," Meredith attempted to calm Amelia. Their day had been okay so far, aside from Amelia finding Jackson in bed with Meredith. The zoo had drawn their attention to the excitement of the children as they saw wild and exotic animals. Meredith wanted to keep Amelia distracted, so they could have a smooth surgery. She knew it was going to be a long and difficult one and the last thing Meredith needed was a moody Amelia arguing with her every step of the way.

Meredith was right, it was a long and difficult surgery. She had spent hours in the patient's abdomen, searching for every source of bleeding and trying to stitch everything back together. Meanwhile, Amelia sat staring at the brain trying to find a way around the massive hematoma that was forming. It was exhausting but at least the two had barely spoken to each other, taking the time to really teach their residents and interns about every little thing that they were doing. All was going well, as Meredith was just finishing her work. She was just about to begin closing when the O.R. filled with the ominous sound of the monitors beeping incessantly. Meredith looked to see terror written all over Amelia's face. "She's bleeding heavily," Jo stated, answering Meredith's questioning look.

"I don't know what to do," Amelia looked up to meet Meredith's eyes. "I can't do it. I can't."

"You have to, Amelia," Meredith argued.

"No, it's too big and now there's blood everywhere and only Derek could do this," Amelia explained, panic in her voice.

"Now, only you can do this," Meredith said calmly, lowering her voice. "Derek knew you were a great surgeon."

"He doubted me, and he was right. I'm not him."

"You're right," Meredith agreed. "You aren't Derek Shepherd. You are Dr. Amelia Shepherd, a world class neurosurgeon who can fix this. What would you do first?"

"Dr. Grey, the patient's losing a lot of blood," one of the nurses said. "We need to hurry up."

"I don't know!" Amelia exclaimed, looking lost.

"Where would you start?" Meredith asked again, her voice still calm. She knew she had to work fast to get Amelia there.

"By the parietal lobe," Amelia offered weakly, more of a question than an answer.

"Then do that," Meredith ordered with a smile.

"Thank you," Amelia whispered as they were scrubbing out. "Thank you for helping me."

"It's what the patient needed," Meredith shrugged.

"I'm sorry," Amelia stated, looking to Meredith with tears in her eyes. "I haven't been very fair to you. And it's because I have always felt left out of your life with Derek. He was my big brother, I grew up with him always a part of me, always around to talk to. And then he moved out here and met you and started a new life. Without me. And I couldn't handle that especially once he… he died. Then you left and I was alone again. I couldn't breathe, Meredith. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything except for drink. And take drugs.  
"I promise I am sober now. I wanted to fix myself for the kids. But it's so hard to do alone. And then I started talking with Owen and then I slept with him. I was staying with him but then we fought the other night and I don't think I can fix that and I…"

"Amelia, you ramble just as bad as I do," Meredith laughed quietly. "You can stay with me as long as you need to. The kids will love to have you there. You just can't attack Jackson and me. We are honestly just friends so you can't keep accusing us of more, okay?"

"Okay," Amelia wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I'm not very good at the whole sister thing," Meredith admitted. "But as long as you don't go and die in a plane crash, I think we will be fine."

"I don't plan on doing that so we're good," Amelia laughed. They finished scrubbing out and made their way to the lobby where they were waiting to meet Jackson.

"So Owen? Really?" Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"What?!" Amelia exclaimed, laughing with Meredith. "He's nice and smart and…"  
"Okay, okay I get it," Meredith laughed, spying Jackson walking towards them. Immediately her demeanor changed as she noticed the lack of happiness from him. "What's wrong?" she questioned as he reached them.

"April's pregnant," he stated, his eyebrows furrowed with concern and anger.

* * *

 **A/N: I apologize for the delay in chapters. Life is busy! I also would like to apologize for how short this chapter is and how jumpy it is. It was a hard one to write but it was needed to get the next** **chapters set up and going. Thanks for sticking with it and reading it. Cheers!**


	10. Chapter 9: Aubade

Chapter 9:

au·bade

ōˈbäd/

 _noun_

a poem or piece of music appropriate to the dawn or early morning.

* * *

"How can she be pregnant?" Meredith asked as the three were driving home from the hospital.

"You're a doctor," Amelia's sarcastic voice came from the back seat. "Surely you know how babies are made."

"Very funny," Meredith shot back at her. "Are you sure it's yours?" Jackson had been silent for most of the ride home. He nodded but looked just as confused as the rest of them.

"I don't want to talk about it," he muttered as they finally pulled into the driveway. He went into the house, leaving the two women in the car.

"You should probably take care of this," Amelia ventured. "He seems pretty messed up by this."  
"I think we all are," Meredith agreed, finally getting out of the car. "Do you mind putting the kids to bed?"

"Not at all," Amelia smiled. It was the first time in awhile that Amelia genuinely smiled at Meredith. They made their way into the house where Meredith said her goodnights to the kids before grabbing the bottle of tequila and dragging Jackson up to her room.

"Mer, please. I just want to be alone," Jackson complained as she pulled him by the hand up the stairs.  
"No one wants to be alone at a time like this," Meredith countered. As soon as she got to her room she shoved the bottle at Jackson. "This will help take off the edge."

* * *

"What if… what if it's our baby?" Jackson slurred. He and Meredith had long since finished the bottle of Tequila, Jackson drinking significantly more than Meredith.

"It sure sounds like it's your baby," Meredith laughed as they lay sprawled out across the bed.

"But what if it's our miracle baby?" Jackson explained further, gesturing wildly with his arms. "What if this brings us together again?"

"Is that a bad thing?" Meredith ventured, unsure if even she wanted to know the answer. She was enjoying having Jackson in her life, in her house and now, even in her bed. She wanted his companionship and she knew April would take that away from them, even now she was trying to pull Jackson back. "I mean, just because you have children doesn't magically make everything better. Derek and I were far from perfect even with kids."

"I don't know if I could love her like that anymore," Jackson admitted, turning to lay on his side facing Meredith. "I would love the baby, but I don't know if I would love the mom."

"You don't have to go back to her," Meredith offered rolling to face him too, not minding the dwindling distance between them.

"I don't think I want to," Jackson said quietly. "I'd rather stay right here with you." Meredith smiled, loving the words he was saying. She knew the implications, the underlying current running through them and slowly pulling them together. For so long she had been convincing herself that she would be alone but now when someone was so close to her, so close now she could touch her nose with his, it was hard to remember why she wanted to be alone.

It was a slow progression. All night their bodies had been moving without speaking with their conscious mind, moving closer to the other without realizing it. And now they were touching; first their noses gently brushing, then a hand on her waist until finally their lips touched. It took Meredith's breath away as she felt him on her lips. It had been so long since she had been kissed she had almost forgotten how a first kiss felt. She welcomed the kiss until she tasted the tequila, a shared element between them. Pulling away she saw the gentle surprise in Jackson's eyes. He seemed just as shocked as she was by their action but not terrified. "You need to sleep," Meredith said, sitting up and shaking her head. "You're drunk."

"So are you," he mumbled, crawling under the covers.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked watching as he got comfortable in her bed.

"Sleeping," he sighed, closing his eyes.

"Not in here," Meredith grumbled, trying to rouse him again but he had already fallen asleep and it was hopeless. Meredith herself could feel her eyes getting heavier by the second and she eventually gave in to the temptation of sleep, crawling in next to Jackson and instantly falling into a dreamless slumber.

* * *

Immediately, Jackson felt a slight pounding in his head. With an internal groan, he tried to open his eyes but they rejected the notion. Instead his attention was drawn to the fact there was another person in bed with him, their head resting on his chest with an arm and a leg draped over him. Panic coursed through him as he tried to remember the events of last night. He remembered going home with Meredith and Amelia, which is a good sign. Then things got a little fuzzy once Meredith pulled out the bottle of Tequila. The only thing that stood out against the drunken haze was a kiss but Jackson could not discern if it was real or just a dream, a drunken hallucination. Regardless of if it were real or not, Jackson was relaxing into the idea of Meredith asleep, her head on his chest.

With a slight smile, he now opened his eyes. He blinked against the bright sun before getting used to the light and he took in the blonde head in front of him. For once, she was peaceful and not worrying about every little thing. Meredith may not know it but Jackson had witnessed the changes in her since Derek's death, even the changes from when he first met her. She was a stone cold surgeon who had no room in her life for friends other than Cristina. But slowly that changed. Jackson had watched as she accepted others into her life, himself included. And how they disappeared from her life whether it be death or moving to another country. And he watched her fall apart and begin rebuilding herself after Derek.

Against all his better judgement, he realized that he loved her. He may not know how to romantically love her yet, but he knew that he could. That he wanted to.

He also knew that she would probably not like that. She would run from that. She was not ready for this. Yet a part of him hoped against all hope that the kiss was real, and now Meredith would wake up, give him a dazzling smile and kiss him back. But it's pointless, he thought. April was pregnant with his child and he couldn't dare be with Meredith now. It was all too complicated.

The moment Meredith was awake she knew Jackson was in her bed. Not wanting to wake him, as she was sure he would have a terrible hangover, she just stayed in her rather comfortable position. It was comforting for her to hear his heart beat in his chest, and to feel the rise and fall of each breath. This state of peace reminded her of mornings with Derek, before they had kids, when they were just kids themselves wrapped in their arms in the early morning. The thought made her smile and made her miss that feeling. The feeling of rested joy, quiet security and complete peace. Since Derek had died, Meredith hated waking up alone. So much so that for awhile she had Zola and Bailey sleep in her room, in her bed just so she never had to wake up with no one else.

And this morning she loved waking up to Jackson with her. Instantly her thoughts flitted back to the kiss they had shared. She doubted he would remember it but she did. She remembered every second, every feeling. And it terrified her now to no end.

What did it mean? Was this the end of her remembering Derek? Would she forget him, forget everything?

The shift in Meredith's breathing and the tensing of her body alerted Jackson that she was awake. He shifted slightly letting her know that he was awake. "Good morning," he whispered, brushing her hair from her face. The movement felt strangely intimate for them.

"Morning," Meredith whispered back, withdrawing herself from him and sitting up slowly. "How hungover are you?"

"Not as bad as I could be," Jackson yawned, moving himself up next to her. "How about you?" She just shook her head and giggled. "What are you laughing at?" he asked turning to face her.

"You're just funny when you're drunk," she laughed. "And surprising." Jackson couldn't stop himself. He reached out to her, placing a hand on her cheek before leaning in for a kiss. The one before may or may not have been real but he needed to know in that moment what it would be like to kiss Meredith Grey.

And to his surprise, she didn't pull away. She didn't immediately run like she was known to do. Instead, she leaned in and placed a hand on his knee.

Their kiss was rudely interrupted by Zola knocking once on the door before throwing it open. "I want waffles!" she cried, innocent to the moment she had ruined. Amelia was quick to show up on her heels, quietly scolding her about being too loud and that Jackson would want quiet. "Mommy," Zola pleaded, ignoring Amelia completely. "Why is Uncle J in here?"

"We had a sleepover," Meredith quickly explained, her face flushing slightly. "Just like you and your friends do."

"Yeah, some sleepover," Amelia raised an eyebrow in amusement, no doubt seeing the blush on Meredith's cheeks and her hand still on Jackson's knee. "Come on, Zola. We can make our own breakfast."

* * *

Meredith refused to talk to Jackson about the kiss. That morning she had used the kids as an excuse, saying something about getting them breakfast and getting ready for work. Then she immediately avoided Jackson at work, falling into surgery after surgery and then finishing the tons of paperwork in her research lab.

It wasn't easy. Her mind constantly went back to this kiss only to be harshly reminded of their circumstances when an intern or a nurse would bring up April's pregnancy. They would only ever shut up when April, Catherine or Jackson would walk by. And the moment they were gone, the gossip mill was at its finest, churning out story after story about them. It drove Meredith crazy until she finally locked herself in her lab.

The gossip was infinitely worse for Jackson. Every person gave him judgemental stare as he walked past them and whispered to one another. It was incredibly frustrating that he couldn't do his job without someone spreading their own speculation about him and April. Eventually by the end of the day, he was at his wit's end. He was tired of hearing people say things like "Did you know he is leaving both of them?" and "This baby probably has osteogenesis imperfecta too and he's leaving to avoid the problem." That one sent Jackson straight to a safe and quiet place: Meredith's research lab.

As he walked her realized how this must look to others but he didn't care. What was happening between him and Meredith was their own business. He knocked briefly on the door before entering. "Hi" he said quietly, taking in the sight in front of him. Meredith sat on the counter staring at a file in her hands, there was papers scattered everywhere. Her blonde hair was sticking out of a messy bun she had thrown up hastily.

"Hi"she said, not looking up from her papers.

"What's going on?" Jackson asked.

"Some things just never work. You think they are going to but then reality come crashing in and you realize they weren't as compatible as you previously thought," Meredith responded, her words holding double meaning. Jackson picked up on it immediately and he knew she was thinking back to the kiss.

"I'm sorry, okay?" he offered. "I'm sorry I kissed you."

"Don't be sorry," Meredith snapped. "You obviously wanted it. Don't apologize for what you want."

"Then what do you want me to do?" Jackson replied, moving to stand in front of her. "I can't get you out of my head, Mer. I tried but all I can think about is you. I don't know what that means. It's like I woke up yesterday and my life went spiraling out of control."

"I can't believe April's pregnant," Meredith stated quietly, more to herself than to Jackson.

"There was a drunken night about a month or so ago," Jackson replied, answering the unasked questions. "We had been discussing the divorce, the prenup and such over drinks. We both had too much and the next thing I know is that I'm waking up in her bed."

"So you routinely get drunk and sleep in women's beds?" Meredith accused, thinking of the events of last night.

"No," Jackson reassured her. "I don't do that. I don't even know how this baby happened."

"Birth control isn't always effective," Meredith pointed out, her heart sinking. She knew Jackson wouldn't leave this baby. "You need to be a father for this kid. It's hard enough to watch my own kids grow up without a dad. And they aren't lucky enough to go see him on the weekends. You have to be there for April and the baby." Tears filled her eyes as her own hardships worked their way into the conversation.

"Mer," Jackson whispered, putting a hand to her cheek. "You are doing an amazing job raising the kids. They are lucky to call you mom."

"Really?" she breathed, their faces closer than before.

"Yes," he replied before gently kissing her. They were both lost to the moment, erasing their heartache with passion. Forgetting their troubles with each other.

* * *

"I think I might be falling for you Meredith Grey." Those words kept repeating themselves in Meredith's mind as she ran from the lab. Everything had been great until he said those words. Meredith was perfectly content to lose herself in that moment and continue kissing him until he brought them back to reality. She couldn't be with him. What would her kids think? What would April think? What would Derek think?

Meredith ran to the only person she knew could help her. "Please," she breathed. "I need you."

In an instant Alex knew what to do. Taking Meredith by the hand he pulled her along to his car, and opened the passenger door for her. "Get in," he said.

"Where are we going?" Meredith asked as Alex began driving them away from the hospital.

"You'll see," Alex replied. "So are you going to tell me about this thing with Avery?"

"How did you know?" Meredith was shocked. The only person who could have a clue was Amelia and Meredith was pretty convinced that Amelia and Alex did not gossip to one another, especially about Meredith.

"The last time I saw you this freaked out, it was about a man," Alex stated. "And the way you and Avery have been looking at each other, well it's not that hard to figure out. Something happened between you two and now you don't know what to do."

"He said he might be falling for me," Meredith admitted, tears lining her eyes. The words still filled her with anxiety. How could she move on? How could she rip apart a family? She had been a dirty mistress once and she was convinced she would never be one again.

"I see," Alex said quietly. "And now Kepner's pregnant." Meredith nodded her head as she looked out the window. For once the sun was shining, the Seattle sky was clear and bright. The complete opposite of how Meredith felt.

"Alex," Meredith said with an edge to her voice. "Why are we here?" Alex opened her door, inviting her out into the quiet. Goosebumps covered Meredith's arms despite the warm sun.

"You never went to his funeral, Mer" Alex grabbed her hand and began taking her through the gravestones. "You haven't even seen his grave." They stopped next to a piece of granite, shining in the afternoon sun. Some wilted flowers rested against it, their petals dropping down into the grass.  
Meredith sunk to her knees, her hand instinctively reaching out to trace the letters of his name, the dates etched into stone, the words that identified him. She closed her eyes remembering how they sat down to get married, writing their vows on a sticky note. The candle dream house. Bringing Zola home for good. Everything they shared.  
"You can go, Alex," Meredith whispered after a few minutes of silence. "Go home to Jo and make sure you tell her just how much you love her. I'll call you if I need a ride." Alex knelt next to her, reaching an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. Without another word, he left confident that this would bring Meredith the peace that she was looking for.


	11. Chapter 10: Filemot

Chapter 10:

Filemot

Fi'lemot

 _Noun_

The color of a dying leaf

* * *

"I miss you," Meredith murmured as she sat facing the grave. She dusted the dead leaves off the top of the cool granite, her hand resting on top of it. Cold coursed through her body, a combination of the stone and the setting sun. "What am I supposed to do, Derek? I want to be with him but how can I? How is that not betrayal?" Tears flooded her eyes as she remembered the last few months of their marriage. They fought constantly about his job in D.C. and whether he should take it or stay with her. There had been so much fighting when they should have been happy, enjoying their time together while they had it.

Desperate for an answer, Meredith pulled out her phone and dialed a familiar number. "It's two in the morning here. This better be good," a sleepy voice barked from the phone. Meredith was silent for a minute, unsure of where to start. "Hello? Mer? I'm trying to sleep, I have a big surgery in the morning. Saving lives and winning awards, you know."

"Cristina, I don't know what to do," Meredith finally said. "I'm sitting at Derek's grave and I don't know what to do."

"Um, go home? Cemeteries give me the creeps," Cristina retorted.

"But Jackson is at my home," Meredith explained. "And he kissed me… more than once."

"Was he any good? I would hope with a face like that he would at least know how to show a lady a good time."

"Yes, it was incredible," Meredith smiled just a little before re-reading the name on the gravestone. Her smile quickly disappeared. "But that is so beside the point."

"And now you want to know if you can move on? Right?" Cristina cut straight to the point. "You can, you know. Derek would want you and the kids to be happy and all that crap. Remember, you are the sun. You get to start a new day and you can start it with him."

"How?" Meredith asked weakly.

"Go kiss him back," Cristina offered. "You always figure it out. Now can I please go back to sleep?"

"Thanks," Meredith smiled into the phone as the call ended. She stood and looked down at the grave. If only it was as simple as Cristina implied.

"Meredith?" Jackson called. In the dusk he could see her standing at Derek's grave. She had her arms wrapped around herself as she stared at the ground. As he approached her, she looked up at him with a slight smile. That was a good sign.  
"How'd you find me?" she said quietly.

"Alex told me it was time to come get you," Jackson explained, putting an arm around her shoulders. She willingly leaned into him, resting her head on his chest.

"I don't know how to move forward with this," Meredith admitted. "With Derek and the kids and now April and the baby. I don't know."

"I want to show you something," Jackson replied. Meredith followed him through the cemetery. The golden sun was setting, casting long shadows across the grass as they moved. When they finally stopped, Meredith took Jackson's hand and gave it a squeeze. In front of them was a small grave, a little lamb adorning the top of the stone. "Samuel Norbert Avery" it read. "We both have a past. Tragic and complicated," Jackson explained. "But now we can build a future. I want you to be a part of mine."

"Are you going through with the divorce then?" Meredith asked, turning to look at him.

"I want to," Jackson admitted. "But I don't know what will happen. I can't be with April though. It's not what's best."

"Jackson, I want to move on. I think I want to move on with you but I can't be a dirty mistress again. I did it once and I will never do it again," Meredith explained. "So until you and April figure this all out, we should just be friends. So no more kissing."

"Okay," Jackson smiled. At least she was admitting that she had thought about being with him. When she had run off earlier, he was scared that their relationship could never go back. That she would not be around him again. "Now let's get home before Amelia gets any more crazy ideas about us."

* * *

The next morning, Meredith sat in the E.R. watching April. Something about this surprise pregnancy wasn't adding up, especially considering how perfect the timing was. Meredith had spent most of the morning thinking back to her pregnancies. How tired she was, the morning sickness, the mood swings. But the more she looked at April, the more skeptical she became. April was bright and chipper despite being on-call the past three nights and she hadn't seemed nauseous once.

"Dr. Grey don't you have lives to save?" April asked with a raised eyebrow as she stopped at the nurse's station where Meredith sat.

"Nothing my resident can't handle," Meredith replied, seeing her chance to ask about the baby. "So how far along are you?"

"Um," April looked a little surprised at Meredith's question. "Just barely ten weeks."

"Any morning sickness?" Meredith pried. "I had the worst right around this time. If anyone mentioned any kind of food, I was ready to throw up. Especially with Ellis."

"Oh, well I haven't really had it too bad," April smiled. "I guess I'm just lucky." Meredith was about to ask another question when a nurse interrupted them.

"Dr. Kepner, there was an explosion at the Northgate Mall. They are requesting we send teams out to the scene to help triage," the nurse explained. "Dr. Hunt wants you to get a team to the field."

Within twenty minutes April had assembled a triage team and they were on their way to the scene in a crowded ambulance. Initially Meredith hadn't been on the team, April didn't want her there but after a stern look from Bailey, who would rather stay in the hospital, Meredith was reluctantly put onto the team.

The ambulance was mostly silent, save for the few interns who managed to get onto the team. They chatted anxiously about the explosion, what they might see and reviewed the steps of triage. Meredith, Jackson and April sat in silence, neither of them looking to one another.

"We just got a call over the radio about a casualty. Older woman stuck under some debris and she is insisting on Seattle Grace to get to her," the paramedic called from the front. "Said her last name is Avery. You know her?" All the color drained from Jackson's face. He could feel both Meredith and April look at him.

"If she's conscious and talking then she must be okay," Meredith tried to reassure him. "We'll take care of her."

"Oh my god," April muttered. "I knew she was going there."

"What do you mean?" Jackson snapped, hearing April's confession.

"She told me this morning at breakfast that she was going to look at nursery furniture, we had been looking at designs all last night," April explained, her cheeks turning rosy.

"This is your fault," Jackson accused. "If you weren't so eager to have her interfere in our life, if you hadn't called her…"

"Jackson," Meredith interrupted, placing a hand on his leg. "There is no way April could have known about the explosion. She'll be okay, we'll take care of her." Jackson let out an angry breath and rested his hand on top of hers. He knew Meredith was right but that didn't change the fact that he was angry, especially with April. She was a roadblock on the way to his happiness.

* * *

They spent the rest of the ride in complete silence. Even the interns had stopped their mindless chatter. It didn't escape April's notice though how comfortable Jackson and Meredith seemed while they sat hand in hand. As expected, the scene was chaos. Meredith was determine to find Catherine and get her out okay. Much to her dismay, Jackson was pulled away by paramedics to treat burn victims and April was just as set on finding Catherine. "I'll get her for you," Meredith smiled to Jackson, giving his hand one last squeeze before they parted ways.

"Let's go," Meredith called to April, following a firefighter who knew where Catherine was trapped. Sure enough, Catherine Avery was stuck under a collapsed beam, her abdomen being crushed under the weight.  
"Where's Jackson?" she breathed, her face pale. This was worse than Meredith had expected. There was no doubt an incredible amount of internal bleeding and bruising. They had a limited amount of time before Catherine would bleed out.

"Oh Catherine," April gasped as she took in the injuries. "I'm so sorry. This is completely my fault. If I hadn't insisted on keeping Jackson and-"

"Stop," Catherine waved her hand and shot a pointed glance to Meredith. "Just get me out of here."

"You're right," April stood up and motioned to the firefighters. "Let's get this off of her now."

"No," Meredith called. "We can't take it off of her yet."

"Oh and just let her lay there in pain?" April challenged.

"And just let compartment syndrome set in?" Meredith asked, raising an eyebrow. "She could go into shock and who knows what other complications if we just removed it." She waved over one of the interns. "Get me as much saline as you can find, we need to get fluid into her system to prevent kidney damage. Kepner, get her vitals and begin a full body exam."

An hour had passed since they arrived to the field. Catherine was still conscious but she was fading fast, her breathing getting more shallow and her heart rate increasing. "Dr. Grey, we are out of saline," the intern said, carefully removing the IV.

"She's getting acidotic," Meredith stated.

"Let's just get her out of here," April snapped. "The longer we wait the more danger she is in."

"The moment we move this beam, her abdomen fills with blood and she is at a greater risk for swelling, kidney damage and shock," Meredith explained, taking charge once more. "We need a clear line to the ambulance and an O.R. waiting for her the moment we get to Seattle Grace." She stood up, stretching her legs. "I'm going to snag us an ambulance and a stretcher. You sit tight." Meredith walked away, leaving the intern and an upset April with Catherine. She wove her way through the busy parking lot, dodging the running emergency responders and worried bystanders.

"Meredith," Jackson called to her, his voice just barely above the hub bub.  
"Jackson," Meredith breathed, turning to him as he pulled her into an embrace. "She's going to be okay. She needs surgery but she will be okay."

"Thank you," Jackson replied. "I have to go, be careful." He kissed her forehead briefly before he disappeared, swallowed into the crowd. Meredith worked her way to an ambulance.

"I need this on stand by," she called to the paramedic, explaining the situation. Another firefighter grabbed the stretcher and followed her back to Catherine.

"When we lift the beam, someone needs to pull her out. We can't move it fully as it is caught under that rubble over there," one of the firefighters explained. "The movement is going to disturb everything around us so there is a chance of more falling and shifting debris."

"April, you should clear the area," Meredith ordered. She might be upset about April's pregnancy but that didn't mean she would put her at risk.

"No," April insisted. "I'll be okay."

"Think of the baby," Meredith pushed, knowing that April couldn't argue against the reasoning.

"Fine," April relented, stepping away from them. The firefighters took their spots around the beam, ready to lift, as Meredith and the intern prepared to slide Catherine onto the backboard. As they began to lift, more debris began to fall catching Meredith off guard. She stumbled backwards as a piece of ceiling tile landed right beside her, narrowly missing her body. April was quick to jump in, ignoring Meredith's order to stay back. Before Meredith could move and push April back, she was already pulling Catherine out and lifting her from the backboard to the stretcher while Meredith caught her breath.

"April, you shouldn't lift that much in your condition," Meredith scolded. "Think of what could have happened to the baby if you were injured. Your stress affects the baby's vitals and Jackson would be devastated if something were to happen to the baby."

"There is no baby, Meredith," April finally exclaimed in frustration. "So stop acting like you suddenly have to take care of me. Stop pretending you care about me when you clearly only think about yourself."


	12. Chapter 11: Effulgent

Chapter 11:

Effulgent

ef·ful·gent

əˈfo͝oljənt,əˈfəljənt/

 _adjective_

shining brightly; radiant.

* * *

"What the hell are you thinking?" Meredith questioned as the ambulance sped through the city toward Seattle Grace. Catherine had since fallen unconscious due to her injuries leaving April and Meredith to think over April's surprising confession. "Faking a pregnancy? How could you?"

"You don't understand," April muttered, refusing to meet Meredith's eyes.

"Your right, I don't understand how you could lie about that," Meredith snapped. "Do you realize how conflicted Jackson has felt these past few weeks? He's torn up because of this."

"I'm sure you know all about how torn up he is," April responded, finally looking up accusingly.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You two have been getting awfully close recently," April explained. "He's still married to me."

"April, your marriage has been over for quite some time," Meredith countered. "And I promise you, I have not let anything happen between us because I could never imagine tearing apart a family. Jackson wanted this baby. He wanted it so badly he was considering staying married to you, that's the sacrifice he was ready to make for a child that isn't even real"

"That was the point!" April exclaimed. "I don't want it to be over."

"So you are going to trap him into a marriage? With a lie?" Meredith could feel her anger rising. Not only was April lying to everyone about such a serious thing, but she had been needlessly putting Jackson through hell. "April, grow up. We've been down this road before. You know it's over. And no matter how much you try to manipulate him, it will always be over. If he is ready to move on, then let him. You aren't his person anymore and I know how painful that is. Trust me, April. Tell the truth and let him go. It's time for you to grow up." It was silence in the ambulance as Meredith let her words hang in the air, her frustration adding to the tension.

"I thought it would work and then Catherine supported me," April admitted after a long silence. "Then when we got back together I would try and get pregnant quickly but if that didn't work, fake a miscarriage."

"I can't even look at you," Meredith said. "I can't believe you of all people would do this."

The rest of the ambulance ride was a tense and silent one. Meredith was thankful for all the loud chaos of the emergency room once they finally arrived. "Let's get her up to O.R. people!" she called as they ran through the maze of the E.R..  
"Grey!" Bailey's voice cut through the commotion. "Tell me that is not Catherine Avery unconscious on that bed."

"I wish I could," Meredith lamented, her heart sinking as she thought of Jackson still out in the field. He was worried sick about Catherine and he needed an update. Bailey frowned as she rushed to Meredith's side.

"You heard the woman," Bailey called. "Get her to the O.R.!" As they were running through the halls, Meredith pulled out her phone and called Jackson. Knowing she would get his voicemail, she rehearsed exactly what she wanted to say.

"Bailey and I are taking you mother to surgery. Everything is going to be okay. I have something to tell you so let me know when you can talk," she said into the phone before entering the scrub room.

"Everything good, Grey?" Bailey asked as Meredith began scrubbing in. Meredith smiled and nodded her head, ready to save Catherine.

* * *

Meredith sank down into her chair, twisting her scrub cap in her hands. The surgery had been long and tough but Catherine had made it through in the end. She would have a long recovery in front of her but in the end, as long as there were no complications, Catherine would be as good as new. Now she was waiting to update Jackson on his mother's surgery and on April's lie. It made her nervous and excited. It opened up the possibility for her and Jackson to be together, for April and Jackson to finalized their divorce.

"Meredith!" Jackson called throwing open the door to her research lab. "How is she?"

"She's in recovery," Meredith smiled. "Everything is going to be okay."

"Then why did you need to talk to me so urgently?" Jackson asked. "You made it sound like something was wrong."

"Actually the opposite," Meredith laughed. "I talked to April today. And she isn't pregnant." Jackson just looked at her. He didn't say anything, he just closed his eyes after a few minutes and took a deep breath. "Her and your mother were trying to save your marriage by trapping you." She watched as his face changed from shock to anger. It mirrored the same anger she felt when she found out.

"She told you that?" he breathed, leaning against the counter. Meredith nodded moving to stand in front of him. "Are you sure?"

"It's not real. The baby, that link to her. It's not real," Meredith gave a small smile. They stood in silence for a few moments before Jackson wrapped Meredith into his arms, pulling her in close.

"If it wasn't real, then why does it almost hurt like it was?" he whispered into her hair. "Why does it feel like I lost something even though it was never there to have?" Meredith pulled away so she could look into his eyes. She saw the turmoil he felt but she also saw the joy of the new possibilities. Possibilities with her. Possibilities with her children. Possibilities of them and their family.

"Jackson, I want you," Meredith began, taking a deep breath. If she backed down now, she didn't know if she would ever be able to tell him again. "I want you to be apart of my family. To have our family. I do. I really, really do. But I don't know how to have you like that yet."

"I want nothing more to be yours, Meredith," Jackson grinned. "Don't let him hold you back anymore. Let yourself live your life now."

"What if I forget him?" Meredith's vision blurred slightly. "What if they forget him? I had the great love of my life and what if that hurts you? What if…?" Jackson cut her off by brushing his lips against hers. He kissed her briefly before pulling back, their noses and foreheads still touching.

"You're a surgeon, Mer," he reassured her. "You're a mother. You deal with what if's everyday and you always go forward anyways, knowing that they are there." He kissed her again. "I don't want to replace him. I never could. I want to be the next part of your life."

* * *

 _One Year Later_

It was time. This was no longer a dream house.

It might be someone's dream house, Meredith thought as she stood in the driveway. It just was not hers anymore.

The decision to sell this house was a surprising one. Somewhere in the back of Meredith's mind she new she would have to sell it. It was Derek's and nothing could ever change that. No amount of time could. But a part of her always thought she would wake up one day and come home to her old family again. She would open the door to find Derek in the kitchen, a pink feather boa wrapped around his neck as he was not only making dinner but also being a doting father for his daughters and keeping an eye on the lego creation his son was building. She would watch for a moment before setting her things down and going to them, her children rushing to hug her and her husband smiling at her with those dreamy eyes. He would kiss her before turning back to cooking and they would all talk about their days.

Now Meredith stood in that very kitchen where that dream took place. Instead of warm and inviting, it was covered in a light coat of dust. She had not been here since she moved back to Seattle which was quite a while ago now. One day, about a month or so back she had the idea that it needed to be sold. She had finished a long surgery on a woman who was just about to get married, about to start her dream life with the love of her life. Meredith thought her old dream house needed to be that for someone else. So that day she called a realtor to put it in motion. Now someone was ready to buy it, some happy couple Meredith had been told. And now Meredith was saying her final goodbye. Her feet came to rest in the doorway of her old room. All of her things, their things, were gone. Taken away to her current house or donated. Derek's things were gone. Because he was gone.

And Meredith finally felt as though she accepted it as she placed her key on the counter, leaving the house for the very last time.

It felt okay to her to finally let it all go because she had a new dream. And it was sitting inside that old house in town. The old house that housed so many past faces. Izzy, George, Cristina, Lexi, Mark, Derek. People who were no longer around for her. But now it housed her future. Zola, Bailey, Ellis. And Jackson. Most of all Jackson. Now when she stepped into the house she was welcomed by him playing with the kids in the living room or helping them with homework. And just as ready as she was to get take out Chinese food or pizza for the billionth time because neither wanted to cook or do dishes.

"Mommy!" Bailey cried seeing her standing in the doorway, watching them. "You're home!" Ellis and him then raced to see who could hug her first and for how long.

"I won the spelling bee today," Zola proudly exclaimed, holding out a certificate. "Jackson was there to watch me take them all down."

"Congratulations Zo," Meredith smiled proudly at her daughter. "What word did you get them all on?"

"You'll never guess," Zola laughed. "It was cholecystectomy!" Meredith joined in the laughter as she crossed to greet Jackson.

"Who knew a gallbladder removal would get her an award but not her mother?" Jackson teased, kissing Meredith lightly on the lips.

"The house sold today," Meredith mentioned as Jackson crawled into bed next to her. He had finished putting Ellis to bed after she insisted on reading the same book three times in a row. "I went there after work to drop of my key and say goodbye."

"Are you still okay with it?" He asked.

"Of course, there's nothing I could do about it now anyways," Meredith pointed out. "Besides, I have everything I need right here."

* * *

 **A/N: Hello beautiful readers! I'm sorry these ones took so long to get up but this story suddenly got harder to write. I know thats a bad excuse and I could do more with it (maybe one day I will) but I'm ready to focus on another story idea that I have. Don't worry though, I'll finish off the story with a happy lil' epilogue! I hope getting two chapters in one day helps. See you soon for that final chapter!**


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